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I have been sitting here thinking about how much I Iike him, how I've told him how much I like him, how I've supported him, encouraged him, cheered for him, paid attention, given him gifts.
He doesn't think about me the same way. He doesn't. I am right back where I was over a year ago when I asked him point blank for some kind of indication that he wanted something serious and he stopped talking to me. For over a year. At the time, he blamed it on his messy life. His drug use. Now I wonder again. He still has a lot of obligations. He tells me about them. I try to be understanding but he never really seems interested in trying to get together, to talk, he rarely mentions the future except to say things like "I am going to have a no clothing allowed rule in my hot tub. You're definitely coming hot tubbing." The signals are confusing as hell. I mostly feel like a convenience to him, someone to chat with when he's bored...not a priority. Not someone he legitimately cares about. Just like before.
If I have to sit here and wonder, that's a really bad sign. Especially since I made it easy on him. He knows how I feel.
My best friend has just spent the better part of the last 24 hours basically saying he's emotionally manipulating me. That I am invested in something that will do nothing but hurt me. That I should let go of this person I love...again. For my own sake. Despite our history. Despite the feeling that this man is important to me. And I am terrified that she might be right. For many reasons.
He is going to lose me again even though I don't want that at all. It will be his fault for ignoring me, again. It will be his fault for ignoring my requests for real connection. And this time I'm not sure if he'll care about it. I'm not sure if he cares about me at all, really. He never really says much. Doesn't compliment me. Doesn't really give me any signs of genuine affection or respect. The married men I work with give me more of that than he does for Christ's sake.
And God bless it, my wild, animal heart can't do this again. It's about to run scared in the opposite direction of what it wants. Because now I'm asking why it still wants this. What is truly here for me to want? One sided love and affection and desire? It's certainly not enough.
Praying and meditating about making healthy decisions. I deserve someone who loves me. I deserve someone who I don't have to ask for it. I deserve someone like myself. So I guess, for now, I will just have to go on alone. Again.
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