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I am 17. My world is very depressing. Whenever I go to school (not in the US) I see these students laughing in the hallways. I hear them talking about friends. Talking about family dinners and parties. Talking about how fun they had last night. Talking about new plans. All to each other and I just sit right there and listen.
You might think why I do not take initiative and go up to them and talk to them too. To be honest, because I am tired. From my previous school, from my previous friends, the most important thing I learned during our fights was to take initiative. So I know about that a lot and have tried several times here. In the beginning of the year I had severe anxiety because it was all new for me (the school and the students and the study life) therefore I never attended parties or nights when I was invited ( I hate myself for that).
However, that was my school life. It doesn't actually bother me that much anymore since I lost everything (friends, grades, contacts) I do not have anything more to lose and I am used to it.
I am an immigrant because my parents chose to move (not me) and I have been living here for almost a decade now. I am provided the basic rights but since I don't have permission to live here deportation is always surrounding me. Going back to my home country would mean losing even the basic human rights of a woman. Because I literally grew up here I consider this country as mine too. I love it.
However, my problem is if this continues like this I will be stuck. I will not be able to continue my studies at a university, I wouldn't be able to drive or learn how to drive I would even not be able to get a job because I got no permission.
I feel like I have no future at the moment. I feel like I do not matter. I feel like I should die right here right now and just be free from this world from this depressing life. I wish I was born as an animal. I wish I was born to a white family so I could have white privileges. I wish I was not a human. I wish I at least was not a woman I wish to never have been born.
My only dream is to live a normal life and that for me is: walk freely knowing you are allowed to be here, have my human rights, going to work every day. + maybe one day be able to visit my dream country.
I wish my world was not all against me.
Is this world worth living?
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Growing up in a minority family, I learned that life is unfair. I had no friends. Those who I thought were "friends" were nothing more than people who would use me and then leave me behind when they found it convenient. It got to the point where I thought of drugs and suicide; however, at the end of the day, what kept me going was the thought that I didn't need others to determine my fate. Was I a minority? Sure. However, I learned that the color of your skin doesn't matter. Being from an island, all races treated me like dirt.
I just learned to love me for who I am and just do what I love, regardless of what others think. You control your fate. While I have no friends to fall back on and talk to, it allowed me to better understand myself. It also allowed me to look at the world in a different light. You'd be surprised what you can find if you looked carefully.
Just be you. Even if it doesn't make any sense now, it will fall into place when the time is right.
ReplyNumber One: Never ever compare your life to others. No one has a perfect life.
Number Two: You do not need friends. You need yourself.
Number Three: Everyone is a cool kid in their way
Number Four: Immigration is never easy unless you go on the dark web and buy a fake ID/DL
Number Five: ik life seems impossible but honestly you should go back to ur country and wait a couple years until you get the rights to get out. it will fix everything.
You were born for a reason
stay alive
for your kids
that you will hv
and for u
ur stronger than this and u
can make anything happen if u make ur own decisions
Reply