hi

hi. so my dad left home 12 years ago. we stayed in touch for those 12 years but we were not that close, he would visit me once a week but that was it. he died a month and 13 days ago. the day he died, i found out he had another wife, and his wife got a kid. they moved in together 4 years ago. he could've been there for me when i needed him the most, but no, i had to deal with my depression and anxiety and a lot of childhood trauma alone, as a kid, 4 years ago.

my relationship with my mom has never been good. we have a very toxic relationship, she used to abuse me physically and still abuses me emotionally. she would steal my savings. she lies to me all the time. makes me doubt myself. threatening to leave me every time she gets mad at me. manipulates me to get what she wants.

now i don't really have any stable financial support anymore, i can't count on my mom, and turns out my dad only saved money for my sister's education, he didn't save any money for me. i know things will get better, but it also takes time, and i'm really sick of time rn. my whole life, i've never had the chance to know what its like to be a kid without anything to worry about. i have dreams and goals but at this very exact moment, the only thing i'm feeling is just.. tired. i don't wanna die but i don't wanna live like this either. so i did my research about painless suicide. i found out about nitrogen. i already made a note for my sister, the last thing i need to do is to buy the nitrogen tank and a breathing mask.