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i get so jealous when i see my friends hanging out more with other people. i know i shouldn't, but i can't help it. i never say anything about it. it's such a nasty feeling. this angry barbed coil in my gut that thrashes and expands when i see pictures of my friends with other people on social media. i've taken pics with my friend maybe once. she has many with her other friends. i consider her my closest friend but there's another person she's been hanging out with alot judging from social media. i'm scared they're best friends. she and i used to be really similar. it was like we shared the same brain. we used to always joke about how we were pretty much copies of each other and that we shared a braincell. we had the same sense of humor, same interests. we understood the same references. similar traits. one time, we were assigned an essay where you could write about pretty much any topic you could think of. we were in different periods so we didnt talk about the essay until sometime later when we met up at which point we realized that out of the millions of possibilities, we picked the same topic. i considered her my closest friend at that time and i think she considered me a close friend too. that was a few years ago. we're a bit different now. we're not as similar as we used to be. we're still similar to each other, but noticeably less. i still consider her my closest friend. there's not much competition, i only have 2 friends and i barely ever talk to the other because she's really sweet and i have fun with her but i don't know what to text her about so we just haven't really talked in a while. i'm just closer to this friend, we'er more similar. i'm pretty sure we have different opinions on things though, like politically, and we've never talked about politics but i'm scared that if it ever came up we would disagree and she wouldn't wanna be friends anymore. i've always been scared of conflict. we've literally never had an argument, we've always gotten along. but like i said, we're less similar than we used to be, so even though i still consider her my closest friend i'm worried she doesn't consider me a close friend anymore. i care about her a lot. i know she struggles with stuff bc of mental health, similar to my own struggles as far as i know, and i want to help her. i want her to be comfortable telling me how she feels and getting things off her chest, i want to be able to comfort her and give her advice if she wants me to. i want to be a trustworthy, dependable friend. we've only ever had 1 or 2 serious conversations about mental health though and it was just kinda about stuff in general. to be fair, i don't really talk to her about my own problems. i don't like burdening people with my problems. i close myself off, i don't like feeling vulnerable. knowing her, she might be thinking the same thing. maybe. or maybe she just doesn't trust me enough. i worry about that a lot. she's pretty much all i have. i've always been terrible at making friends. i have selective mutism, social anxiety, and i'm very socially awkward. i'm an absolute train wreck in social situations. school was a bit of a nightmare the last couple years. i've never been bullied but i was excluded, and other kids would laugh at me sometimes. and they would sometimes start conversations with me with the sole purpose of subtly making fun of me. just for their own amusement. it always made me embarrassed and mad. admittedly, i was rude sometimes. humiliation has always been one of my biggest fears so i would close myself off to others, and i would often respond shortly and somewhat coldly to people to protect myself. i'm sorry for that, it was wrong of me and i wish i could take it back. but that doesn't mean they had to be mean to me. i wish they weren't. maybe my self-esteem and mental health wouldn't be so fragile now if they had been nicer. i always felt so isolated and alone and anxious. because of this, when i did manage to make a friend, i would latch onto them. i would do everything i could do for them and i would be endlessly loyal to them and was probably overly clingly sometimes. to be clear i was never extreme to the point of being creepy, i wasn't a stalker or a yandere or anything. i was just overly attached to my friends. i clung onto them like a lifeline. i loved them and depended on them and i wanted someone to love me. i wanted someone to see me through all my social awkwardness and closed-off behavior. i was always so frustrated about my social awkwardness, by the way. still am. it is so, so frustrating. i just don't understand social stuff. i panic and don't know what to do in social situations. i don't always understand people. i'm neurotypical as far as i know so it's not like my brain works differently, it's just me being an anxious fucking idiot my whole life. i'm so tired of it. i was so bad at social stuff so i was ecstatic when i had friends that liked me despite all that. and i wanted them to care about me and love me and i was jealous when they liked other people more. i never had a best friend. i always wished for one. i had a super close friend in elementary school that i considered my best friend. i never told her so. she obviously considered me a very close friend. she didn't consider me her best friend but i wasn't hurt by that because she said she didn't consider anyone her best friend. still, she had best friend necklaces with several other people. i was so jealous of that. it's very possible that for each of those, the other person suggested the necklace, not her. i never asked about it. and i never asked if she wanted a best friend necklace with me, i was way too scared. it's pretty much the same situation now with the social media pictures. i see these pictures of her with other people, evidence of her friendship with them, evidence of a close friendship when they have several pics together from different times and they share inside jokes in the comments. makes me sad and jealous. maybe if i opened up more to her we would be closer. but maybe i would scare her off and i can't stand the thought of that. i need her. i don't know what i'll do if i lose her friendship, i have no one else. like i mentioned earlier, i have one other friend, but we aren't as close. i feel so alone. i used to have close online friends and they were amazing and their love and advice helped me immensely. but we drifted and i wonder if that's part of the reason my mental health has gotten so much worse. i lost that group of loving supporters. i just have my one close irl friend now, who is amazing and i love her but i've never felt as comfortable opening up to her because i've always been scared of opening up. it was easier with my online friends because i didn't have to see them face-to-face. now i'm down to my last good friend and i'm scared of losing her so i don't want to risk opening up. and i'm scared of asking her seriously about how she's doing because what if she doesn't consider me a close friend and gets uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk to me about it and then it gets awkward and she doesn't want to talk to me at all anymore? i'm scared. i rlly wanna just tell her i'm here for her and she can talk to me if she wants to. maybe, hopefully, i'll muster the courage to text her that. i just...it hurts to see her having fun with other people, it fills me with so much doubt and anxiety. am i good enough? am i? i wish i wasn't like this. i wish i didn't have anxiety and depression and selective mutism. i wish i could be happy and i could be comfortable with my friends. i wish a lot of things. i'm scared of being abandoned. i don't wanna be lonely. i want to be someone who is kind and trustworthy and lovable, someone that people want to be friends with. i wish i wasn't so filled with doubt, constantly questioning my friendships. i wish i didn't feel like this
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