Perspective

I think I'm sad again, and for no valid reason this time. I've been feeling this way for many years now. It's what I'm good at, looking so positive and cheerful outside while hiding my scars from painful memories. I don't want anyone to know, not even my family or closest of friends. I'm fine being this way, locking up myself away from other people's judgement, or even concern, I have nothing to do with their concerns. It kinda piled up till now, and it's a mountain, NO! It's more of like an inactive volcano ready to explode anytime but is scared of ruining everything on its wake. I don't want to be caught, I don't want to explain myself why am I being like this, I don't want to be pitied, to be misunderstood. In the first place I am very used to being like this, a joker, and people liked me wearing this mask. If I go bursting now, I don't think people will understand or even believe me, will they even care? I think everyone is struggling in silence just like me. I just need one person to say anything that goes in my mind and I know will always listen and believe my other side of stories, sadly thay person is gone now, and I was again pushed back, further, away from other people's eyes. I think it's more comfortable inside this box I'm in. I'm safer here, I don't need to express this side of mine to anyone else. I want to go out but am I'm to afraid not to be accepted. I hate rejections, I know all of us do. I'm being selfish I know. Rejections, like every other negative outcomes are part of life. Failures, setbacks, unfortunate things that happens without warning, these are all part of reality, but I don't want to live in the real world to encounter those things. Most would say, "You need to experience all that to taste real happiness and success, you just have to keep pushing forward no matter what, don't be negative. DON'T BE SAD!" as if it's the easiest way, as if hearing that would erase everything painful and dark. If it's as easy as choosing to be happy, I already did that a long time ago. Haaaaah. Where am I going with these statements? I was once a very hopeful and an optimistic person, but where did it all go? Those attitudes and beliefs I was holding. I think you could say I'm hiding because everyone is used to that side of mine, the positively charged me, so I keep showing that side of me to other people, even now that it's all fake. I hope if you are reading this, you will not sink as low or lower than I am in now. It's really dark here, that you'll just wish everyday to never wake up before you sleep instead of praying for a better tomorrow. I'm sick and tired to try and bring back my old self. It would be extra harder if no one knows, so atleast find atleast one person to tell all your worries and all your negative thoughts without feeling ashamed, guilty, hesitant, and coward. I already stopped hoping for myself, so I will just keep hoping for other people's lives. Same goes to you, even as a stranger could wish you good luck and a happy and successful life. It doesn't work for me now, but I once believed in a saying, and I hope that it would make sense to you if not for me. "Everything happens for a reason!" You will make it! You have to make it no matter what, not only for yourself, but for all of us.

Sincerely,

AL

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Time will heal everything! If not now, then it's not the perfect time for you. Remember God has better plans for you than you have for yourself. He will make a way. If hope is gone, atleast hold onto your faith in Him!