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I'm experiencing a moment.
What I mean by that is ::
I guess I should explain.
When I was 9 I was diagnosed with clinical depression.
Six years later, it had become bipolar 1. (At the time my symptoms had progressed to delusions and minor issues.)
Then, at age 22, I was finally, fully, diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, type bipolar 1. Between ages 15 and 22 I had developed, in addition to all previous symptoms, hallucinations and paranoia.
So right now, I'm experiencing a moment.
Well, over the past few days I've been experiencing it. How? Well...
Even though I've been taking my medications appropriately, the past two days I've been having mild symptoms of not having taken my antipsychotic, which within itself, being minor, isn't too bad in the eyes of most, but for me it's major, and I fucking hate it. I feel weak in others' eyes whenever my symptoms show. Weak, in that... in that I just don't seem to... seem... to... (Cue brain fog...)
Another issue is focus. I can kind of focus right now, but, as seen in my previous line, I can't always specify the...
I mean, it's having the idea/thought/words right there in front of you, but you can't pin them down, you can't use them, you can't spit them out so others can know exactly what you're trying to purvey.
Ugh, fuck this, guys.
What sucks is that I moved states at the beginning of the year, and since my previous psychiatrist can't prescribe across state lines, I had to find a new doctor, who's cool I guess, but for some fucked-up reason he doesn't, as far as I know, participate in the program that dispenses my particular antipsychotic. He does all the others, save the medication my gastroenterologist prescribed (which I'm intending to work on), except that one medication. Honestly, it and my lithium are the two I'm most worried about. I couldn't give less of a shit about my antidepressants, but the medications that prevent me from going manic are the ones I'm most worried about. Suicidal thoughts? Yeah, I'm okay with that. Barely making it to work on time because I'm too exhausted to roll out of bed from sorrow? I can handle that. Doing what I can to reduce my interaction with sharp objects? Been there, done that.
....... but control my manic stages without medications???
....... Yeah, that's not possible. No way am I gonna be able to keep that under control without medical intervention.
I just pray to all holy forces that either my current doctor jumps on the medication's program train, or I find a doctor who already rides it.
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