What is this?

So, in January, I became suicidal because of very poor choices I made, and I had thought that I couldn’t live knowing I did wrong.

Well, fast forward to March, when I told my friend about it. She told someone else, who then told my mom, who then confronted me about it. I started to get better after that, and thought that I was free of it.

And then guess what a few months later? I randomly thought "hey, go overdose on pills."

I refused to do it, and went to bed. Now, I’m not depressed as I was when I was suicidal. I have no reason to die. I don’t even know why that thought came up. So, I thought, "okay, it¡s not like I did it, maybe it's something that comes with recovery?"

The next night or so, my brain decided to tell me to wrap a piece of cloth (idk what you call them, but they're on the inside of robes sometimes) around my neck. I tried to resist it, but I finally went over and did it. I didn’t really tie it tight, so it was really loose. It wasn’t even far off the ground.

But anyways, after I did that for a few seconds, I just went back to bed like nothing happened. Which is weird, cause I know myself, and I know I’d cry after realizing what I tried to do.

And then just a few days ago or so, I had this thought that I would hang myself after we moved to our new home.

The weirdest part of all of this is that I don’t cry about it or anything. I mean, I do feel kinda shocked after the thought of what I just did/do, but other than that it's just…. Nothing. Not really nothing - but it's as if I’m processing it like I do with everyday life.

Part of me thinks I’m just acting, like in a story (idk how else to explain it). The other part of me feels as though I’m doing it to "spice up life" and to "make it more exciting".