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I suck at boundaries. I'm bad at establishing my own so now that I'm with my girlfriend and she establishes her boundaries, I take it personally like an insult when logically I'm aware that she's doing this to let me in about how she feels and I know that healthy relationships should be open and respectful of boundaries.
So lately I've been reflecting about the times I should have established a boundary with her, times when I should have stood up for myself but didn't and I have discovered feeling of resentment building up in me towards my girlfriend. It feels weird bringing it up but at the same time I don't want to keep it all in. I want to be honest because I feel like establishing my own boundaries will help me and teach me to respect hers.
What should I do?
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Well, when you do see up boundaries you have to make sure it's not out of spite or resentment. Don't just look at her boundaries and say "well then I'll set up my own".
No, you have to decide what is right for you and it can be difficult to find that. Like, for instance might be something along the lines of chores around the house. You would expect that she would help around the house, right? So she doesn't get to just sit around and do whatever while you do it all like some maid. That would be a boundary.
You are establishing what areas in which you expect some form of behaviour. Say for instance, you have a breakdown. You'd expect her to be in the very least, sympathetic, right? It would be condescending to you if she were to just shrug off your issues and act as though it is of no matter. That would be another example of a boundary.
Or say you're reserving yourself for after marriage, you'd expect her to honor that by not trying to push the issue, right? That would be another boundary.
These are all just examples of what a boundary is and what it means to have one. Your boundaries may or may not reflect these particular examples. So the question is where you need boundaries, when do you feel violated or left out or overlooked?
You're looking for instances in which an action or words that tends to make you feel lesser in value or invalid. One last example I'll give you is like affection.say you really enjoy affection but she doesn't like showing it. This might be a boundary where you establish that you expect at least some form of affection on whatever basis. Personally, my boundary is a daily thing. I expect to at least have some display of affection every single day. I can understand if they're sick or whatever, but in general as long as there is a consistent display. That's a boundary I draw. I'm not talking like a 30 minute makeout session or anything. I mean simple stuff like a kiss good morning, holding hands, hugs, things like that on a normal basis.
So there are some ideas of what you might consider a boundary. Only you can choose what is right for you.
ReplyThis has been really helpful, I've saved it on my notes and will have a read from time to time. Thank you for the effort writing all of that up, I really appreciate it and I believe it will help me reflect on things.
ReplyDid that resentment start with her or is it a byproduct of un-dealt-with emotions from past relationships?
Reply