Why won't it work?

Why won’t it work?

Its still dark. Its still so close to the flames, with no water in sight. How can he keep doing this to me.

April 2021 I started to try to grow a family with him. I was very serious about it. Was he? no.

Its so heart shattering.

Combine this note with “I am hurt,” its another chapter.

Going to the doctor, getting blood tests and talking about seriously “trying” I accepted the medication therapy. Barley knowing what to expect. I didn’t feel too worried, as I had him by my side.

Or so I thought.

Oh me,

Stupid idiotic me.

How can you put something like this on a man who can’t even decide what to wear that day. Or who he should see, or what he should do. A man who can’t call in his own prescription medications, a man who can’t schedule a doctors appointment or a dentist appointment for him self. A man who has to be reminded to keep a relationship with his mom and dad. A man who has to be reminded of birthdays and special events that are a part of our marriage. A man who is married to his phone and social media apps, and I’m just the mistress to. A man who broke a promise of telling me he would be there to support me.

A man.

A man?

A boy.

STOP GOING OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE OTHERS PERCEIVE THIS PERSON FOR SOMEONE WHO HE IS NOT. STOP TRYING TO MAKE HIM APPEAR AS STRICTLY AMAZING AND SUPPORTIVE AND A REAL AND TRUE MAN AND HERO. HE IS NOT THAT. LET PEOPLE MAKE THIER OWN JUDGMENTS ABOUT HIM.

Months have gone by so far.

There has been hope.

There has been excitement.

There has been dreams.

There has been tears.

There has been weight gain.

There has been blood sugar problems.

There has been insomnia.

There has been depression.

There has been loneliness.

There has been loss.

I have troubled through pills, medicinal liquids, gummy vitamins, fertility lozenges, ovulation testing. Sometimes upwards of 8 times a day. DEPRIVING myself of water, so I can try to get a good test in hopes that I will see something I want, but knowing its not going to come. Doctors appointments by myself, ultrasounds, bad news, false hope, financial strain because my husband isn’t helping me support “our” dream. Internet research, support groups, logging body temperature daily, setting alarms, waiting and waiting and waiting for test results. Straining my eyes AND brain trying to convince myself that I see that second pink line.

Its never there the way it should of been.

There was a time when it was barley there, and as I felt the changes in my body start to happen, my hope was raised, and before I knew it, I bled. Confirmed chemical by my GYN. This, I have never experienced and it was so awful. The feelings I felt, the things I saw every time I went to the bathroom. The physical pain I felt every time I stood up. The constant taste of salty tears in my mouth.

Chakra balancing, psychic readings, crystal cleansing, symbolic figure worshiping, meditation, manifestation, exercise, eating better. I have done it all.

Its over. I can’t do it anymore without any emotional or financial support from the other person who said he “wanted” it too. My dream of becoming a mother has now ended because of a boy. This is something I will never ever forget, and I will never ever forgive him for.

Ever.

This month of September, I stop.

Its over.