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If I have other thoughts than "I am so tired" then I don't know them. I think I used to. I used to have thoughts, a memory, an imagination -- I used to be able to put together metaphors and images. I thought I was doing something important with that, like understanding myself and the world better.
What good did all that understanding do me, exactly?
The thing that is hard to say here is that I have a responsibility for taking care of or helping other people. Like, a professional one. Somehow what I decided to do with my life involved helping people with their pain, suffering, problems -- their own fatigue and mental exhaustion -- whatever trials and traumas had brought them to their knees. I can't exactly back out of that now and say "good luck guys but you're on your own now!" I don't want to. But I honestly have no idea if I am doing any good.
My little guy is old enough now to tell me that he doesn't want me to go to work today. But I have to, I tell him. I want to lie here on the floor and cuddle and giggle with you all day too, but I have to go to work. And help people! he says brightly, his new phrase; his dad has told him over and over again that mommy goes to work to help people -- sad people and hurt people and sick people and that they are proud of mommy for doing this.
Is that what I am doing here in this office? If that is what I am doing why am I here on this site right now?
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As an advisor on this site I could type the exact same post as yours. Except for the part containing the little boy. A while ago I asked God to give me something useful to do and this Novni site popped up from nowhere and after a while God told me I was doing well and to keep going. But Like you now I don't know if I am doing any good. But I like doing this so I keep on with it.
You sound like you might be burnt out, or you are over this type of work and it is time for a complete change of job. Take time off if you can and have a think about your future. You can have as many different kinds of jobs in your life. As they say variety is the spice of life.
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