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Childhood Trauma Shawty :) *TW R@PE CURSING SH FORCED VOM!T!NG GASLIGHTING S/A TOXIC FRIENDS AND RELATIONSHIPS BEER VAPES RUNNING AWAY PILLS SU!C!DE ATTEMPT DRUGS*
5 months ago · · Rape, · Explicit
Okay, so like, I was 4 when it first started but by then it was more of a like, sit on my face kinda deal and then I ran and told my mom and we all had counseling. Yay! But after that, like, when I was like 7 or some shit he full on like went for it, 7-10 it stopped when I was 10. That's when I finally got man enough and told my mom, in horrible spelling I might add. And I told her that my brother had threatened me and that he had been raping me for years now and that the only reason why I told her was because I had gotten scared and thought she was my only hope. He had been grooming me for years, pretending to be my friend, being nice to me so that I would do him, yucky ass bitch like tf ew no.
And so I had gone through that until he got sent to jail, score shawty, he's in there for 24 years, idk if I'm allowed to post his Offender thing on here so I won't unless somebody is curious lol. Oh btw, i'm 13 now and I use jokes to cope so srry if this whole thing is immature and ranty :) tehe lmfaooo And then after that I got really self concious because I thought nobody would want my body and that everybody would hate me so I went onto Omegle and asked people if they wanted to see my body because I wanted to feel needed for my body because I had issues, I still do shawty. And then I started cutting and scratching my skin. Mostly on my legs with the cutting and scratching on the backs of my hands. I also hated the way I looked so I made myself throw up and I just really had issues with that. My first ever relationship I had an emotionally abusive S/O and that made me feel even more self conscious I changed my name mid relationship with them and they refused to use my name because it made them think that I was their ex, my new name is X btw. lolz. And so, like, then they told me they wanted to change their name and I was like, oh, cool, what to? and they told me whatever they told me and I was like nice I'll use that. And then I got grounded for whatever I got grounded for idr lmao. And then when I finally got to talk to them again I asked them what name they wanted to use and they said "since you got grounded again I have been really depressed and so I decided that I don't care and I just won't bother with it, it doesn't matter anyways..." or something like that and I tried to make them feel better like the loving bitch I am, stupid ass loving bitch piece of shit that I am. and so I was like okay, wanna talk about it and they said no, like, okay gurl idrfc anymore since you were a piece of shit to me but go off i guess. anywaysss. After that we got into another fight after I got grounded again and this bitch was like. "why do you never use the name that I want to be called yet you complain because I won't call you X??? that name makes me really sad because I feel like I am calling you my ex!" and I mean, I guess they did oop- lmao. and I told them, bitch excuse me the fuck u talkin bout, u said you didn't want to change your name and that it didn't matter and you didn't tell me wtf you wanted to change it to and I could never find the message again. and they got angry at me for that. ;-; i mean, okay. get help ig. go off hunny. but dam don't take it out on me, i'm fucked up enough as is, gawd dam.
anyways, at that time I was 11-12 whateva and so I was really young and dumb with relationships so I stayed with them and tried to repair things. Idiotic, I know. |--;-;--| but at that point I just really wanted to see them again and so I was like we should meet up and they kept changing plans last minute like, "i'm so sorry we can't today I have to go to the store, we can't today my mom made plans, we can't today i'm busy" it was okay at first but at the end they were really just blowing me off because they didn't want to see me, they told me that when I broke up with them. tehe. and I respected them, their pronouns and the name they wanted to change to but ended up not changing to, I mean i get it. life sucks, move on get over it i guess that's how it works. but don't take it out on me. and THIS BITCH HAD THE AUDACITY to say that they didn't trust me because they thought I was cheating on them because my mom told their mom that I showed my body to people on Omegle and then their mom told them that and I don't think that was ANY of their information to share. and they were all like. "go be with your other lover that you show your body to!" like um no, who tf do u take me for??? like fuck u bitch the fuck you think I am a toy? someone who shows their body for fun, I needed that for me to feel okay about myself and you are making it sound like it was for fun and that It was just to make you feel bad and to cheat on you. I never did it when I was dating you, I did it before when I was still getting raped by my older brother, like, OKAY pop off but really don't I don't have the mental capacity for your bullshit. so I did that and then they kept yelling at me saying they don't trust me and that I don't love them and that I was being toxic because I wasn't there for them. and that was when my shit broke. like, I keep getting grounded I get it that I can't be there for you because of that, but don't say that I am trying to ignore you and make you feel bad by getting grounded, don't say that I am the toxic one for trying to make you feel better while you are yelling and cursing me out and making me feel like shit. don't say that I don't love you because of information that was mine to disclose that I did not, and because of something that happened before we started dating. don't say that you can't trust me when you were the one who made up a fake person that you had "sex" with while you were texting me. yeah, that happened. they made up this person named "Max" that was their best friend that when me and them were texting he would come over and have sex with them and I would just be there like, okay cool, that would be cheating if he was real and I didn't really know he wasn't real until they were like, also, Max doesn't exist, I mean I knew but I was never really sure so that was pretty fucked up. pretending that you are cheating on someone by having sex with a person who doesn't exist WHILE YOU ARE TALKING TO ME, talking about how hard he is and how tight you are and how good it feels and how sore you are, bitch, I don't give a fuck. and then I broke up with them and said that this was a toxic relationship and that I couldn't deal with this pressure on my mental health anymore, and then I broke up with them broke up with them, and proceeded to block them on all social media and deleted them from my phone. because I was being an independent mother fucker. and then I got with someone else like a year later, it was my best friend at the time and we made flirty jokes until I asked them out and then we were dating and then some other guy broke up with their s/o to be with me and so I was in a poly relationship until my best friend turned s/o broke up with me because they lost feelings which they told me might happen so I wasn't that upset about it because we were still besties. then like a few minutes before that my bf/s/o told me about a friend he had that he really liked and asked if they could join our relationship, I said that I would ask my bestie/ex ig?? at the time and that was when they broke up with me and my s/o/bf at the time then he invited this person THAT I DIDN'T KNOW, into our relationship, and so I stayed for like a day longer until I finally broke up with him and I was like, I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable with you inviting people into our relationship without really consulting me I didn't get to even talk to them before they were invited in and so I can't deal with that. and then he got pissed at me and called me a bitch and said that they didn't want to talk to me again.
and then I fell inlove again with another one of my best friends, shocking this is just last year 2021 fuck u bitch, anyways. it was my best friend in 7th grade and he was really sweet he gave me high fives and I didn't know he liked me until one of my other best friends told me about it and I was like oh shit I like him as well, dam. and so we got together, thanks to my bestie lol. and so we dated for a while WHEN I HAD A BRILLIANT IDEA TO BRING BEER TO SCHOOL, ya ;-; i'm so smart. and the stupidest thing I did was TELL LITERALLY EVERY BITCH THAT I COULD. I told random people on the bus, which is what got me in trouble. somebody on the bus snitched even tho she also drank some of it which is really confusing like gurl, u drank some of it tf u snitching about. but ya then he broke up with me because "he couldn't be with someone like that" okay, u ain't chill with some flavor in your boring ass life I get it. thennnn after that I had OSS for like 10 days? idk, and I got with my ex's ex because we really clicked. I mean I stole their bf (not my fault) and then I broke up with him got with another person then got broken up with by them and then got with my ex's ex, it's a whole process, hope you understand! @-@ and so we were together for a while but, I fucking suck at long distance relationships even tho we weren't long distance, it was more an issue with not being able to see each other even tho we lived not that far apart. anyways, after that i met another person that I really liked that I could be with close by. and so I broke up with my s/o at the time because I couldn't deal with not being able to see each other, we still friends tho, I think oop- anyways me and her dated a while we may have had a lil *COUGH* ya know (sex) but that's not the point. then I broke up with them because I thought that I was going to be moving and because me and her weren't in the same grade - dw we were the same age they just got held back - we wouldn't be able to see each other that often if I moved and then ANOTHER PERSON CONFESSED TO ME. she broke up with her bf and then confessed to me. so I accepted because I also really liked her, and this is in like weeks of my last breakup. me and my ex gf are still besties and we have the occasional *COUGH* ya know, we might start dating again idk, that's for later in my YEARS of life story :). how long even is this? idk, comment if you want i'll leave a TL;DR at the end. it won't be very descriptive but, eh. ANYWAYS me and her started dating and then another person confessed to me and so me and them and her all dated and then another person confessed and we were all dating and then the newest member broke up with us because they couldn't deal with dating a lot of people at once. and my gf went into the relationship and out of it because of feelings she still had for her ex?? it's fucked up idk, stay with the process okay! :,( and then me, my gf, and my s/o were all dating when my bestie that I fucked gave me a vape and so I brought some to school gave 2 to my gf and her friend and then me her and another friend were in a bathroom stall together doing that and a teacher walked in and then somebody snitched either my gf at the time or my friend, who also had a crush on me weirdly enough, i'm like a bitch magnet, but not really my friends aren't bitches, well, I mean- some are, but enough of that. so the teacher got angry and one of the two people in the stall with me snitched probs my gf because now I think she's a backstabbing bitch but anyways. one of them snitched and so a message got sent to my mom and she searched all of my things and then tried to search my phone but I forgot the code like the smart fuck I am. no but like I fr did forget the code. and thennn she got really angry and was talking to her boyfriend on the couch about the possibility that they might have to send me to my dads and so I made a list/plan to run away and then my mom dragged me out of my bed grabbed my list got really angry and started yelling then she searched under my mattress found the vaped called my dad and I have been staying at his for the last few months, since before christmas to now. and I mean like, I ruined christmas I got sent to my dads a few days before christmas and so I pretty much fucked that over, and my birthday was on the 3rd of January so I didn't get to be with the rest of my family for that, only with my dad and my Granny, my Grandma she has me call her Granny, which I get it, name makes you feel nice and she likes it better but it's hella awkward when I'm telling someone about her and I'm like "so my Granny--" "who?" "my Granny? OH! My grandma" because some people don't get that and I mean I wouldn't either because it sounds weird in a sentence. but like rewind a TAD BIT i was given meds for PTSS Depression and Anxiety and I think that's it??? and also BPD bi-polar disorder which I don't even think I have but get it I guess, anyways so I have those right, a month before I broke up with my first s/o I took a shit ton of aspirin and stuff and LIKE THE IDIOT I AM I told my s/o and being caring - at that point - they told my mom and she took me to the hospital in the morning and they sent me to Myrillac or whatever and then a week later I got sent back home to the hell I lived in, I got prescribed Zoloft at that place and then like a year and a few months after I got prescribed Lamotrigine or some shit anyways back to the present I have those pills yay and so I had been cut off from all of my friends that I left behind at my old school so up until like less than a month ago I had no contact with any of them.
But now I do, and I really wish that I didn't have contact with most of them, yay. I made another post about this but I'll talk about it in this because I can. lolz. so my gf who is now my ex and my s/o's who are now my exes tehe, so I talked to one of my exes who is my bestie that I fucked. so I got in contact with her and she really missed me and so when I went over to my moms I finally got to talk to her in person and be with her, hug her, hold her, etc. then a few weeks after that my ex gf told her that I sexually assaulted her in a bathroom at one of her concerts. yay. so she got really mad at me and was like how could you do that to her. and I was like wtf are you talking about what happened? and they were like don't try lying you know what you did to her. and I didn't like I was really fucking confused. and so I talked to her about it and she gave my email to my ex gf and we talked about it and got it sorted out like she was high asf when we hung out in the bathroom stall, all we did was kiss, make jokes, talk about how fucking loud the toilets were and be like bitch stfu what if someone hears us laughing in here and they get someone to come check it out. and so we kissed, she initiated most of it because I was a scared little bitch to get caught, also because she hot af to me anyways lol, not really anymore because i sorta have mixed feelings rn but not important for rn. so me and my bestie got that figured out and I got to talk to my ex gf again for the first time in months like I really fucking missed her and we got to call and talk and laugh and joke and shit like yay. and then I messaged another one of my friends who was also an ex of mine the person who left because they weren't ready to be in a relationship with more than 1 person at the time. WE TALKED FOR ONE DAY, and then the next day when they went to school they were with my ex gf and probs told her that we were in contact again and she told them - i'm guessing from both convos I had w/ them - that I sexually assaulted her in the bathroom stall at the concert and I tried to be like, wtf do you mean, me and Leah already talked about this and got it sorted out that she didn't remember what happened and that if I did anything to make her feel like that I was sorry but I know what happened and I didn't do anything, since she was high asf, if that is even true, i helped her fill in some of the gaps and she said she remembered and she was sorry for accusing me THEN SHE GOES AND TELLS THEM THAT I SEXUALLY ASSAULTED HER. and like a few weeks after I got to talking with my bestie again they got angry at me for that, LESS THAN A FULL ASS DAY LATER SHE TELLS MY BESTIE THIS. I don't really want to say that she is targeting people that she knows I've just reconciled with to make them hate me, but that is really what it seems like. I asked her about it and miss gurl was like, I never said that I got really mad when I saw them write that I'm so confused as to what is happening as well. like, how would they know that you said that I sexually assaulted you in the stall if you didn't say anything???? I mean they literally said you told them that. but she was like oh no I have no idea what's going on I'm just as confused as you. and I had no idea what was going on, I was in the dark because I wasn't there in person I was virtual at another school messaging them from a different place. and they were like I believe her fully stop talking to me I don't want to ever hear from you again. and so like the idiot I am I kept messaging them like okay was she near you when you wrote the first message?? what exactly did she say, like I'm over here trying to figure out wtf she said so I can make sure that she wasn't lying to me about it. and they were like she said that you gaslighted her into thinking it was a dream and that she said she was really uncomfortable with what you were doing and you told her "to just let you do what you wanted" I asked them why they think I would ever want to hurt her and if that sounded like something I would say like wtf, and all I got was stop spamming me and her you've already done enough damage, and I haven't gotten another message from either of them. I really don't know if I can trust them after this.
That's pretty much it up till now.
My brother raped me, I tried to kill myself, got out of a toxic relationship, brought beer and vapes to school, got told that I sexually assaulted someone when I didn't, lost some friends because of lies. Hate myself :)
Hopefully this is a good summary lol, I just word filled in what my brain remembered of what I wrote lmfao.