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How can I answer this question? Honestly, it shouldn't be this hard for me to answer this question. Lately, it feels like I am doing things out of obligation. I am working two jobs and trying to hold things together at home. Everyone seems to want a piece of me. I am willing to give, but at the same time, I am tired. Those two words have been said so much that they are losing meaning. I don't know how else to describe this state. It seems like people no longer take me seriously when I tell them I am tired. It is like people hear the words, but it just washes over their ears like water. I can tell people that I am tired, but they don't seem to hear me. Sure they nod, but then they ask for more of me. Then me being who I am, I willingly give more. All my life I have been told that no one but you should know that you are tired. No one should know that you are hurting and honestly no one else cares. The sun will continue to rise and my bills will still need to be paid. Unfortunately, that same mindset may be hurting me. Where I am in my life, I just want to feel like I am being heard.
I think that is part of the reason I like writing so much. By putting pen to paper, I feel like I am heard for once. Paper has no hands, but it can feel me. It has no tongue, yet I find comfort in their words. Paper has no eyes, but I feel like it can see the real me. Paper sees me struggle every day. If the paper can see me why does it feel like no one else can? I am trying to be the low-maintenance son no one has to worry about. The person who is on top of and handles all of his business. Instead, I only hear about the things I didn't do. I suppose everything I do is expected so it deserves no thanks. I am supposed to be a man right? There is no room in my life for complaints, only room for the work that needs to be done. Sometimes it feels like there is no room for me...
I bury these thoughts and feelings and only let them resurface in these pages. I wish I could be more like the characters I create. They overcome their problems while mine seems to linger. If this is all my life has in store then I don't want it. The other day I was asked what my ideal version of the afterlife would be like. In the afterlife, I want what I have not yet gotten in life. I wish for peace. A world where nothing is asked of me. A place I can write and be happy. A place where I can just exist for all eternity.
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I hate being
I feel okay then suddenly i dont want to exist anymore, i'm holding back my tears every days, waking up feel like task. I'm always thinking about dying, of ho...
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I AM TIRED
Its like theres three people inside of my head, theyre all me. BUT they couldnt be more different. Its like, theres one, Lets call her Me A She hates herself...
Ya know, I wish I was your paper I wish I could understand you completely. I wish when I say I care that you would take it totally personally cuz then you'd know. Wish I could be the pen on the tips of your fingers that was synced up to your brain. Wish I could feel what you feel everyday cuz honestly I feel tired all the time too wish we could find an antidote together and feel better and be able to deal with the world together. ... Wish you a lot of love
Sincerely,
Just a stranger.
ReplyThis come as a shock, but I think you really need to hear this. It's time to get pissed off. It's time to start asking some very uncomfortable and pointed questions. Not towards yourself, oh no no no no no..... it's time to start questioning those around you just who do they think they are to allow you to become drained and over stimulated to the point of burnout. I think it's time to really, really get pissed about some things that need to be addressed.
Address them. Overtly address your wants and needs to whoever you it is that needs you. Then you set YOUR boundaries and say, "These are my terms and I will not compromise them for you or anyone else." That statement commands respect of what you will and WILL NOT tolerate. You owe that much to yourself.
A bear is gentle when hibernating, but whe he is awakened..........
ReplyOthers (family members, friends, teachers, etc.) label and judge us starting at an early age. This continues and along the way we adopt descriptions like; ‘ I am TIRED, anxious, ugly, pretty, handsome, rude, strong, weak, sensitive, special, worthless, worthy, popular, determined, indecisive, sad, smart, stupid, scared, cautious, reckless, etc.’ We learn to see ourselves as this limited ego character (a separate self) and our thoughts and actions are in the service of this idea. The ‘separate self’ feels incomplete and imperfect, and, initially, tries to get what is missing and get rid of problem areas to correct its inadequacies.
When the unwanted happens to us or the wanted does not and every time the effort to fix our self fails, we suffer in some way or another. It can come in the form of agitation, irritation, boredom, disappointment, jealousy, regret, anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness, anger, grief, pain, or some other unwelcomed feeling or sensation.
Each of us is self-aware to an extent but when this knowledge is not clear, our true nature is hidden. A close look reveals that the common element found in every experience examined is my presence - ‘I AM there’. When I am sad, I AM present there. When I am happy, I AM present there. When I am scared, I AM present there. When I’m in love, I AM present there. When I am angry, I AM present there. I AM the always present AWARENESS that has no size, shape, gender, race, age, weaknesses, needs, or demands. Undefinable unlimited AWARENESS can’t be harmed or diminished by anything and resists nothing.
The dance (the joy) of creation is all of God’s creatures just experiencing each other and surrounding things. For humans, however, even enjoyment from successes is short lived. We spend a lot of our available time wanting or trying to make our current situation different than it is. I finally realize that preferred objects, states of mind, wealth, circumstances, substances, activities, and relationships will not deliver lasting peace, love, or happiness. These feelings are not earned, provided, produced, achieved, or possessed. They are simply aspects of my nature that radiate from my being and energize my actions when I show up as I AM.
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