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I'm terrified for my future because I'm regressing but idk what to do.
4 months ago · · Need Advice,
I used to be a dedicated straight A* student who reached all of their goals and set records in their school year group. Everyone trusted me, even when I felt like it was unwarranted. I don't know why this happened, but a combination of an inflated ego, a lack of vision, bad habits gradually accumulating and other self-induced factors have led to me objectively failing one thing after another, each time worse than the last, for two years. It all resulted in chronic stress and I developed physical symptoms. I resolved each time I would be better, because unsurprisingly I did prefer my previous life.
Yet yesterday I plain failed my second chance of an entrance exam. However badly I claimed to have failed, I've never been in such a dire position before. I didn't think it was possible to fail this badly. At least last year I had a lot of good options, despite being disappointed; but I wanted to redeem myself this year because I claimed I was in a bad state of mind last year, so I pushed back a year to "self-help" and "work on myself" but rock bottom keeps getting lower. I've disappointed my parents to the point of no hope because I've literally been built up my whole life to thrive by this age but here I am, regressing. At least when I was 5 I was obedient. The thing is, now it's been pointed out clearly to me, it was due to my insufficient preparation, but I didn't even notice how insufficient it was. Younger me would've noticed it immediately. I literally don't know what's right or wrong or how to prepare for an exam anymore. Ofc, I'm also questioning my cognitive ability now and I'm wondering if lack of brain use for 2 years straight has led to my brain atrophying.
I'm so disappointed in myself, humiliated, and stressed for my future. More than that, I'm so sorry to my parents. I can't believe they have to deal with a child like me after how well they've raised me and all of the opportunities, second chances and excuses that everyone's given me. I've ruined my mum's holiday and I feel so bad that my dad has to check up on a bloody 18 year old disappointment just to check what they're doing with their time, even though I did explicitly ask for his help. I don't know what's wrong with me. I seriously need to rebuild my life because I can't deny how bleak the future will look if I don't anymore, but I don't even know where to start because I just keep getting worse. I might be more composed than last year, but is that just complacency? Getting so accustomed to failure that failure IS my comfort zone now? Getting so used to suppressing my guilt that I'm numb to it now? My younger self always feared this and I can't believe I'm hypocritically living out what I used to criticise. The next result always shows that I'm even worse than before, as if I'm irreversibly dumber than my younger self. I hate that I don't care enough, or do I care and stress so much that I'm just too weak to face it? I don't even notice when I'm lying to myself or others, procrastinating, wasting time... I lack common sense. I've forsaken everything my parents have taught me and I regret it so much. Why was I this unappreciative and dumb? Idk what I'm doing here tbh, clearly I need to make it up to my future and my parents rn. How do I get better? It's a pointless question because I do know what to do, I've drawn out plans and routines (haha as usual) and I'm focusing on the next, very risky entrance exam (but ig I'm here instead of doing that rn) but my head is pounding and heated right now and idk how to feel anymore, not that it matters. Who cares about feeling when your future is on the line. If anyone has advice on how to make someone less morally corrupted, care and be action-oriented like a normal person, and sort their life out, it would be greatly appreciated. This was more of a vent tbh, sorry. I'm probably going to regret posting this in about 10 mins.