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I'm terrified for my future because I'm regressing but idk what to do.
1 year ago · 10 · Need Advice, +3
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I used to be a dedicated straight A* student who reached all of their goals and set records in their school year group. Everyone trusted me, even when I felt like it was unwarranted. I don't know why this happened, but a combination of an inflated ego, a lack of vision, bad habits gradually accumulating and other self-induced factors have led to me objectively failing one thing after another, each time worse than the last, for two years. It all resulted in chronic stress and I developed physical symptoms. I resolved each time I would be better, because unsurprisingly I did prefer my previous life.
Yet yesterday I plain failed my second chance of an entrance exam. However badly I claimed to have failed, I've never been in such a dire position before. I didn't think it was possible to fail this badly. At least last year I had a lot of good options, despite being disappointed; but I wanted to redeem myself this year because I claimed I was in a bad state of mind last year, so I pushed back a year to "self-help" and "work on myself" but rock bottom keeps getting lower. I've disappointed my parents to the point of no hope because I've literally been built up my whole life to thrive by this age but here I am, regressing. At least when I was 5 I was obedient. The thing is, now it's been pointed out clearly to me, it was due to my insufficient preparation, but I didn't even notice how insufficient it was. Younger me would've noticed it immediately. I literally don't know what's right or wrong or how to prepare for an exam anymore. Ofc, I'm also questioning my cognitive ability now and I'm wondering if lack of brain use for 2 years straight has led to my brain atrophying.
I'm so disappointed in myself, humiliated, and stressed for my future. More than that, I'm so sorry to my parents. I can't believe they have to deal with a child like me after how well they've raised me and all of the opportunities, second chances and excuses that everyone's given me. I've ruined my mum's holiday and I feel so bad that my dad has to check up on a bloody 18 year old disappointment just to check what they're doing with their time, even though I did explicitly ask for his help. I don't know what's wrong with me. I seriously need to rebuild my life because I can't deny how bleak the future will look if I don't anymore, but I don't even know where to start because I just keep getting worse. I might be more composed than last year, but is that just complacency? Getting so accustomed to failure that failure IS my comfort zone now? Getting so used to suppressing my guilt that I'm numb to it now? My younger self always feared this and I can't believe I'm hypocritically living out what I used to criticise. The next result always shows that I'm even worse than before, as if I'm irreversibly dumber than my younger self. I hate that I don't care enough, or do I care and stress so much that I'm just too weak to face it? I don't even notice when I'm lying to myself or others, procrastinating, wasting time... I lack common sense. I've forsaken everything my parents have taught me and I regret it so much. Why was I this unappreciative and dumb? Idk what I'm doing here tbh, clearly I need to make it up to my future and my parents rn. How do I get better? It's a pointless question because I do know what to do, I've drawn out plans and routines (haha as usual) and I'm focusing on the next, very risky entrance exam (but ig I'm here instead of doing that rn) but my head is pounding and heated right now and idk how to feel anymore, not that it matters. Who cares about feeling when your future is on the line. If anyone has advice on how to make someone less morally corrupted, care and be action-oriented like a normal person, and sort their life out, it would be greatly appreciated. This was more of a vent tbh, sorry. I'm probably going to regret posting this in about 10 mins.
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If you were doing school work on line when the schools were closed because of covid it makes sense that you are like this now. A lot of the kids who were online developed mental ailments and will be affected for the rest of their lives. So this is why you have gone down hill. Try to get help even if you ask a doctor how.
ReplyThank you for your reply
Replybeen going through the same thing, hating myself now that offline classes have started. Work is piling up and i just feel like sleeping, avoiding everything on the off chance that its all going to be online again. All my assignments are a sham. im in my third year and i still dont know how to cite my findings or study for a test
ReplySame frnd, same! All I can say is, no, you didn't failed yourself and you definitely didn't spoil your parents name. It's ironical coming from me who has too failed attempts for entrance, despite giving my all, working day night and studying, reading, expanding knowledge, there comes a point when I feel reduced to a 0. And I think you're on this point too. It's ironic that we become what we used to hate, it's the biggest mirror life could show you. But think of this like an opportunity to learn. Now that you're realised you become what you hated the most, you can also become you desired the most. Sure everything comes with a price and yours and mine happens at the cost of this everlasting feeling and tag of a failed student. But once you pass and get success, I don't think anyone would care to know about past. Instead they'll rejoice more by calling you a warrior. The coping mechanism I use to come out of this feeling of failure is by thinking that at atleast I'm strong enough to be alive and live the bitter truth rather than dyig and giving endless pain to people around me. Sometimes, it feels even dyin is better than living this bitter truth, but no amount of stress, pain, guilt for yourself is even 0.0000001% strong than the right you deserve to live. We decide our own price, if we treat ourselves this failed, everyone would consider us one. It's an exam, we tried, we failed. We tried again and we failed again. That's it. There's no buts and if after the result. Practically, there's only what you can do ahead. I did this and I wish I never wasted my time in dwelling in past and thinking how different it would have been if I did this or that. The only thing we can do is focus on what's ahead of us. I've been disconnected with friends and family for this exam, since my high school. The pain of being isolated and disconnected and then not even getting what you aimed for is not expressed in words, no words can describe how miserable life becomes and how much it feels like a burden to even take a breath, but my friend, you and me, we are here. Fortunately alive. So don't think or degrade yourself anymore and live the past in past. There's absolutely nothing we can do except taking learning from it. Who knows maybe we're going through this now and ahead we'll never get weak anymore, cuz we've already been through life's worst nightmare.
The best thing which can make you feel like you're in healthy mind state is taking in healthy diet. Dry fruits, protein, vitamins etc. Take care of your food and you'll feel the instant shift in your mind. Brain needs those important nutrients as you know. So give it what it needs and it'll give your right state of mind to think what's next. Hopefully you'll come out of this storm, stronger. You're not regressing, you're actually hurt and sad. The sadness is masking what you really are. So with some courage, heal your wounds. Only you can do it. Best of luck!
ReplyThank you for this :,) This has made me feel a bit better, and I totally get you on your isolation too. I wish you the best of luck for your future success too.
ReplyIf you're anything like me, you're a high achiever, and a bit of a perfectionist - because you're clever, and things sort of come naturally to you, you experience Imposter Syndrome, because you feel like you haven't "earned" success, or the respect of your peers. You try to compensate by holding yourself to very high standards, but you never quite feel that you're good enough.
Like you, during the huge, scary global Pandemic, I had physical symptoms of stress that caused my academic performance to tank. Your motivation to study really falls off a cliff when it feels like you're living out the plot of a disaster movie like Contagion.
Failure isn't a reflection of your not being intelligent enough, or capable enough - it's a reflection of how difficult this last 2 year period has been for you - even a determined and talented A* student couldn't pull through!
You responded to stress by continuously resolving to do better - but stress is one of those things that you make worse by trying to struggle against it. You are not a salmon - constantly struggling against the stream just gets you more injured. It's a really difficult thing to learn how to recover from burnout, but my goodness, it's a powerful kind of knowledge. I know from experience, and now you do too.
It's really hard to get a healthy perspective on this kind of setback, because you've been raised to place so much value on educational attainment and obedience (since you were 5!) - and it just seems so self-evident, like *obviously* high grades are important - the higher the better, right??
Failure is so disorientating and scary if you've never really experienced it before. But it's just a natural function of facing something new and challenging - and it's OK.
I promise you that in ten years' time, nobody will even think to ask you what your high-school grades were. They'll only care if you can demonstrate skills and knowledge as they apply to being reliably able to do your job, whether you have sound judgement, and whether you are considerate towards others.
I think it sucks that we have a system that makes the decisions you make at 18 so extremely high-stakes. Everyone is liable to experience sickness, bereavement, or any number of unexpected events that can throw their lives into chaos for extended periods of time - one case of Bad Timing shouldn't affect your life forever. And it doesn't have to.
I think your parents are actually being majorly unfair to you if they're making you feel bad for not succeeding and thriving during a massively destabilising Global Event. You were stressed to the point of PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS of illness. That is not the kind of thing you can just push through - believe me, I KNOW. Stress kills off your cognitive abilities, but you get them back once you've had time and space to recover. Your vague-brain isn't permanent, it just depends on you being able to take time and relax. If your parents want you to do well, they should allow you that recovery. It took me months, and a lot of self-help. Burnout is seriously rough on you!
Failing an entrance exam is not The End Of The World. You're still at the beginning - it's just one of many doors that you've tried and haven't managed to open this time. There are other doors.
You don't need to feel guilty about any of this - you just need to figure out what you need right now. What will help you recover? What can you do to relax and build towards your next step?
I recommend taking a gap year, honestly. My little brother got accepted to uni during the height of the pandemic, but instead of going, he spent a year reading lots of books on the subjects he wanted to study, working a part-time job, meeting up with friends, and travelling.
In the same year, after burning out of my own course, I did self-help and therapy, looked after my home and garden, went on trips abroad, read books, joined some evening classes, and took on some part-time work before I found a new job (I start work on Monday).
Your goal should be to recover your spark - the curiosity and delight that motivates you to learn and discover. Really tune in to the things that drive you, and make you feel passionate about the things you choose to do. It's such a valuable insight to gain about yourself. Set yourself small and manageable targets, to help build your confidence, and keep you moving towards the bigger challenge - continuing your education.
My brother and I are both happier, more mature, more interesting, and more enriched human beings for having taken our time, and built ourselves up a bit before stepping into the next challenge.
Seriously, you can achieve a lot in a gap year - pitch it to your parents as a good thing for your wellbeing and personal development. It will give you a much better chance of having something impressive to put on your college admissions statement.
Start your year by giving yourself 2 full weeks of vacation (this is what the doctor prescribed me for stress) - if you want to watch TV and play video games, you do that, completely guilt-free. No obligations, no stress allowed. 2 weeks should help to shift the residual guilt and shame enough to let you approach everything else with a clear head.
Then take another week to plan and start exploring options for things you might try - work experience, a hobby, visiting friends and relatives, volunteering, travel, reading list... Set your goals and structure the rest of your year around meeting those goals. Keep a diary and make a note of all the things you achieve, what you're grateful for, what challenges or problems you faced... it doesn't have to be a formal exercise, just take a moment to reflect on what you've done, and feel proud of yourself.
You're not morally corrupted. There is no value judgement involved in having your life disrupted by terrible circumstances and their effect on your mental health. Be kind to yourself, and encourage yourself to approach the opportunity of taking time out with curiosity and gratitude.
I hope you'll go on to do some wonderful, interesting, fulfilling things.
ReplyHello, thank you so much for your thoughtful advice and encouragement. I am actually taking a gap year, even though it scares me that I'm going to be a year behind my peers. I've spent the past few days in complete relaxation mode, which has definitely energised me. I was just wondering, how effective was therapy? When I'm at my lowest low, I sometimes feel I need it, but I recover to become happy again quickly so I've always dismissed it.
ReplyI found it really useful as a sounding board for everything I was thinking - if you have a lot churning around or you're stuck on a particular negative feeling, like shame or regret, or thinking you're not good enough - then a therapist helps you put it all into a more coherent story and gently pick apart the bits that are keeping you stuck.
You do most of the 'work', but the therapist listens and helps steer you towards the right parts of the thread so you can untangle it for yourself.
We can all have blind-spots in the way we think about ourselves and our situations - stuff we've believed for a long time, like "I'm an imposter", or "Change is scary". The therapist can help you notice those blind-spots and encourage you to break down the thoughts that are limiting you.
There are different types of therapist. Mine used a Gestalt approach (looking at a person's approach to their current circumstances). Other therapists might specialise in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (changing negative thoughts and behavioural patterns) or some other approach. Some therapists are more hands-on, and might set exercises for their patients.
If one approach doesn't suit your needs, or you just don't vibe with the therapist, you can try other therapists until you settle on one who you can have a good therapeutic relationship with.
People also think that therapy is only for when you're in the worst mental health, but it can be useful for all kinds of things - sounding out major life decisions, getting a sense of how to deal with difficult people in the workplace, building more confidence, breaking out of routines... A therapist is a person you can talk to about stuff, essentially.
If you feel like it would be useful to you, and you can afford it (I accept not everyone can), then I would recommend it.
ReplyAlso, best of luck with your new job! I
ReplyThank you! :)
Reply