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I was a writer, and as a kid, I can say that I did my best. getting medals, being part of competitions in the name of my school, in math, in arts, in writing editorials, badminton, and even history. At that age, ever since I started in 5th grade, I can say that I am doing great compared to the others. Vice president of the school when I was in grade 6, I am very satisfied with my life. Even if my parents do have quarrels, even some kids often bully me in small ways, I think it was just them making fun and all. I started high school and my achievements keep on going. Not that I am bragging about it but, I just want my family to be proud of me. So that the money they pay for school won’t go to waste. So that they will be proud that I was their child… so that they won’t fight.
Everyone knows that… I and fond of my grandmother. She was my everything. But, the Valentine of the year 2022 isn’t as happy as the previous years. She left. She is now flying with other angels. Although I am happy that finally, she can be at peace… it still hurts… so bad. Writing to earn money, I have written a number of books. And it was fun catching up with deadlines. It was exciting. But the last great book I have written so far, I have no idea that everything will turn bad like my way of writing. People are gossiping about me not getting a scholar, questioning if I was really smart. That I have no use in the house, and that I am not a good sister for not being valuable when in fact, I may not receive a scholarship from the government, I paid my school for college only miscellaneous fee after gaining a scholarship. And before I even reach eighteen, I earned a hundred thousand from writing.
But even after being a good writer, I still feel lacking. But to think that after everything that happened… even after correcting my pacing, even after showing and not telling, no matter how good my ideas are, no matter how many improvements I made, if my book lacks in emotion, it was nothing. Emotions that I lost… emotions that I feared it can’t be something you can learn by reading stuff. It was something deep within and I am afraid that… it would be hard to bring it back.
My family is not rich. I need to earn for my school. For what we need. I may have earned that hundred thousand but if you carefully use it, no matter how good your way of using money wisely is, if it is time that is your enemy, it wasn’t enough. And yup, I am a college freshman that is just about to start school, BS Accountancy. But all the motivations I had crumbled into pieces as if the wall that I build to protect myself has been hit by countless rocks, family, school, friends, stories, and everything. And the only person I think can lighten up my mood even a bit, just like what he always does, he isn’t with me every time I needed him the most.
I just wanna share this, to tell others what I feel because I do believe that if I contain it any further, I would pop like bubbles… how I wish I was a bubble…
But if anyone out there realizes who am I, yeah, this is me now. Not the jolly vp/student president you had in school. Not the same friendly officer back then, right now, I am just me. Just a simple girl trying to survive in this world. Just a simple girl that was so afraid of why things are like this. That no matter how I tried to be tough, just like sands… I am crumbling as waves hit my castle leaving me nothing but a piece of nothingness.
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Things will eventually work out for you and your grandma is for sure watching you so stay strong ... situations never remains the same neither does people around us . You should atleast stop getting stressed over how people are now doubting you because they will always no matter what your situation is ... so stay strong and hang in there , if you are trying your best , good things will definitely come your way ... please don't give in to all the negative thoughts and difficulties 💜
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