A cruel confusion

Saw him once and almost broke down and cried. Not that I have a right to. We were never together. Never kissed or anything else...just hangout like buddies a lot. I'm with someone else and I love that man. I just miss my friend now. I wish he was part of my life. I also wish he wouldn't blatantly flirt with girls in front of me.

I don't know what I want: the man who cares for me more or the one I can't stop thinking about.

I'm a terrible person. I don't want to be alone. I know I can never be with the one who actually said he would never want me to my face...but I felt such a strong connection with him. I can't stop that feeling.

I'm sorry, my love. I shouldn't be thinking about others when I'm with you. You deserve better than me, but I'm too much a coward to risk you leaving me. I would never cheat on you, you know that. But that doesn't excuse my thoughts of longing for another.

Please. Punish me for my evil mind. Hurt me for not thinking of my lover and only of him.

I'm scared. Am I ruining my life being with my current man of a year instead of going after the one I've wanted for 7 years?

Am I not content until I hurt everyone I care about?