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Need Relationship Advice. I don't think my boyfriend has the same consideration for me
2 days ago · · Stress,
For years I suggested and even asked outright if my boyfriend would move in with me to my apartment but instead, he lived with his mom until he was 29 years old. Friends and family kept telling me to move on but I'm dedicated and he always had some reason for not making the move. Then, his sister who has had issues with drugs and abusive guys brought another guy home.
He wasn't great but a little better. However, they wrecked his mother's house: dishes overflowing for a week at a time; taking towels out to a tent in the woods and leaving them there to continue using-they even stole some of mine when I had to wash a load of laundry there; bringing home cats and allowing them to breed even though the female had a horrible umbilical hernia (she kept vomiting and pooping blood before, during, and after the kittens were born) but refused to raise money to take to the vet or give away to someone who would help. The list goes on. The mother had taken out a $10,000 loan for a lawyer for the boyfriend to get his two kids back in court (but he refused to get a job). Then, his sister told me that their mother had let her know she wouldn't be leaving the house to the two of them or my boyfriend-only her. I eventually told my boyfriend he really should ask about that because it didn't seem fair considering he paid most of the bills whilst his sister and her boyfriend had never paid a single penny. He brought it up to his mother and she confirmed that it was true.
Several weeks later, he started talking about things as if he'd been wanting to move in since the beginning.
I asked him what changed, why was he finally agreeing to move in together after 8 years? He said, "I dunno. I guess it just feels like the right time."
It wasn't until after things began happening that I started wondering if he was only trying to get away from his family situation.
Now we're finally living together. He didn't want to move in with me but rather to get a larger (more expensive) place. I asked every single time if he could afford it. I knew what I could comfortably afford but when I tried discussing things, he'd refuse to communicate his bills or let me help him budget. I wound up blowing up and telling him I can't do anything if we don't communicate about things and he finally started listing a few bills out.
After that was situated, I then asked if he would be willing to help support me going back to school to finish my degree if that meant me taking a part-time job. He agreed and said that he could even afford for me to not work and go to school full-time if that's what I wound up wanting to do which was true. I was excited for our new start and we moved in. I helped him with his resume and interviewing and he got a raise to an assistant supervisor making a lot more money after a month or so.
I quit my job (unrelated reason), looked for part time work, and started getting stuff together to return to school this Fall. My local community college even offered free tuition this semester so I was stoked! It wouldn't help us earn income but it wouldn't be another bill and he'd gotten a decent raise so, after budgeting for expenses, I was pretty sure we'd be more than fine.
Then, he started playing this game again and even got me into it. It's called MTG or Magic the Gathering. For anyone who doesn't know, this game can get VERY expensive. We both knew because he used to play competitively right before we started dating and I'd heard stories about it. He bought me what's called a pre-con deck and we would occasionally go to a store to play with others. He would joke about, "I really shouldn't be getting back into this. It's a bad idea." I continued to edit my deck with the cards he already had or very occasionally bought inexpensive single cards (~$1-4). Meanwhile, I later came to find that in just one month he'd spent $600 on two decks. I later came to discover through other means that he had under-exaggerated the actual cost. He still doesn't know that I know.
But it was fine, at first. Then, he started asking me about jobs and getting irritable with me. I frequently brought up my job search and he'd never said anything negative before so the sudden change gave me whiplash.
When I did finally find some well-paying part-time work-some even at his workplace-he would roll his eyes or huff or sigh and say, "Why are you looking at part-time?", "We have bills", etc..
I responded, "Because school? I was going to go back this Fall, remember?" He rolled his eyes and stormed out.
Well, one day he came home from work furious and agitated. "I only have $100 in my bank account!" He'd had about $7,033 when I'd left my job. Our rent was double what it had been at the apartment I'd lived in prior but there's no way it should have depleted all of his money-especially with him earning as much as he was now.
"What? How is that possible?" I asked.
He was irritated and made a comment about having to pay all of the last two months of bills by himself.
It still didn't make any sense though..
We wound up going to his bank and getting a statement. He wouldn't allow me to see anything and then he went quiet. He wouldn't talk to me for awhile but took us out for a quick breakfast before heading home. If I'd know then what I know now I would have told him to stop going out. But I was still confused about what was going on and asked again to see. He said he was wrong and had been paid while he worked so it was nothing to worry about. We stopped talking about it.
A few days later, I was cleaning around the apartment and found that he'd tried to throw his bank statement away in one of the smaller trash bins in the other bedroom. Somewhere I likely wouldn't notice for awhile.
I got curious and looked it over. By my calculations, over the course of less than 3 months, he spent $1,133 on his tattoo, $1,460.18 on Fast Food/Door Dash, and $3,903.77 on a combination of a mobile game and Magic the Gathering-primarily the latter although he still spent a hefty amount on the other as well.
Altogether, he'd spent $6,496.95 on non-essentials. That's why he didn't want me to take a part-time job or go back to school. He was spending nearly as much as he made each month-in fact, he'd spent MORE than he brought in on one of those months which is how he'd managed to take from his savings.
I picked up any job that paid well and took it. Started immediately and then had to quit before insurance kicked in because I managed to injure both of my feet. So now I'm waiting on them to heal and back to applying for jobs.
I put in for two other positions at his workplace as well and let him know I'd used him as a reference. He acted weird.
I had worked there for 3 years before he did-I advocated for him (you usually don't get hired on directly there unless you have a relative that works for the company or know someone else that works there).
He sent me a message that he had endorsed me for one position but not the one that would potentially have us working very close. Now, he's an Assistant Supervisor so I know he has pull and was literally listed as a reference and they are needing people at this job BADLY so it seems a little sus with how he's acting now. I left after he was working there for 6 months because within a few months, my brother died and then my sister very nearly died as well and I had a mental health crisis.
He told me last night that he'd seen my application and that the supervisor was checking it out but he wouldn't give specifics.
I don't know if he's trying to sabotage my application or if I'm just having issues trusting him but now, after POTENTIALLY being considered for a position there, he's begun sending me pictures of a job offer for a lower role an hour in the opposite direction from that job.
It pays much more but it's day shift and I'm sitting here fuming and upset because I want to encourage him (I ALWAYS DO) but I'm feeling so f***ing robbed and betrayed. How many jobs have I turned down because they were day shift or a different on-off schedule? And when I was already working day shift at his current workplace and he had the opportunity to choose days or nights, he chose nights. I'm trying to be a TEAM. Isn't helping each other reach goals and growing together what a relationship is supposed to be about??? What am I doing wrong?!? I was working a full-time job-the same hours as him-and doing ALL of the chores AND taking on all of the emotional labor yet he's passive aggressive or ignores my pleas for HELP with loading/unloading a dishwasher or taking out trash. I even boycotted the chores for awhile but he still somehow turned it on me being lazy. I know I've fallen back into a depressed state.
Everything just keeps building up and I just... I'm so upset I just want to cry but I don't. I don't know what to do or say or if I should say something or I just don't know.