Something people often assume about me that is not true

A lot of people have probably looked at me during the past 4 years and assumed I would continue with theater into college...

So far, I hate to disappoint them.

I'm sitting in my dorm room, by myself, already ready to go to bed even though it is only 9:09 at night. Most college kids are out with friends, either partying or studying. I don't really have friends though. Sure, I have three roommates, and don't get me wrong, they seem like great people, they just aren't my people if you get what I'm saying.

They aren't my friends, and they could never replace them.

I miss my friends. I miss the fun days in the choir room, practicing about 18 songs a day between my four choir classes and then continuing on at musical practice with almost another dozen more. Theater has been my passion for years now. Yet as a college student? I'm unable to find solace in it since it is not, and will never be the same as it has been for the last four years.

Auditioning for college-level theatrics is so much more different than it is in high school. In high school, you write your past experience on a small piece of paper the teacher probably came up with the morning of auditions, you perform a few lines with a partner and then maybe sing a little song and you wait for the next week for the cast list. In college? I need a resume of my past theater experience. I must send it in, alongside three different audio recordings of me singing scales and a small musical piece. Then after that, I must then schedule an in-person audition with the directors. Then there are callbacks and more singing and it just becomes a convoluted mess that sucks the fun out of theater.

I miss the days when my friends and I would finish the school day by staying in the choir room even as all the hundreds of other kids left. All the musical kids would come in and we'd all chat until our accompanist got there before heading to the stage to run through our performance, opening night just being a week or two away. I miss the days when I would go through totes and racks of costumes, helping our choir director decide which character gets which outfit because I was one of her most trusted students. I was both cast and crew. Lead female role and costume/makeup artist at the same time. My friend, he's actually my neighbor back home, and I would sit down an hour before our performance, and I would sit and use different shades of eyeshadow to create the scar he had. We'd sit and talk and his boyfriend would join us alongside some of our other friends it was always so perfect and fun and it's moments like those that I would give anything to go back to.

I've always said that if I could, I'd do it all again.

I think every time, I'd pick that choice.

Because I love my friends and these memories more than anything.

This past year has only been an amazing one out of many.

It's sad that I'll never be able to appreciate theater like this ever again.

Who knows though, my college adventure is just beginning. Maybe there's a chance for me to feel whole again.