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Being 20, I have realised that i've grown up with a toxic mother. If you ask me who do I hate the most in this world, that would be my mother. She has stood down so low yet i keep hoping that she will change. Why can't she see that whatever she's doing is wrong. She is cheating on my father and i kept quiet thinking she will realise it one day and everything would be okay. But i forgot i was dealing with a stubborn, selfish and narcissist person. How can a mother be jealous of her own kid? It just doesn't make sense to me! She will literally say anything to my loved ones to portray a bad image of me. How can a mother broadcast your mistake? i've had enough with her nonsense. i've been quiet for more than two years. still waiting for the light. I'm glad i'll be moving really far to study abroad. I've been torture mentally way too much. She made me believed that i was reason behind which there's a rift between her and my dad. And i blamed myself, slept while crying. Now I realise of the damage she had done to the younger me. I pity myself. If only i knew that the problem was her. Whatever i am today is all thanks to her. She took care of me, made food for me and she was very strict to me regarding studies. The reason i am going abroad today is cause of her. She made the first step to teach me how to study and today i got scholarship to study abroad. I am very grateful to her. But her way of teaching me and raising me got worst with time. I am an upright person today because of my persons. But on of them, she went off the track. I faced her regarding her cheating on my dad and she responded as just friend. Like who was she kidding. i blocked the guy but she knew it was me. The guy even has a girlfriend and my dad i pity him. He's such a caring, patient yet innocent person. I watched everyone take advantage of his kindness. He knows how everyone is yet he'll do his best to help in any possible way he can. He once told me no matter how his mom is, she's still his mom. But his mother was sane. Mine is crazy. She's such a control freak with anger issues and according her no one is right. I don't know how my dad deal with her. How devastating he will be when he will learn that she cheated on her. Still she talks to the guy. Anyways. i already feel better but everytime i hear her voice, it's unbearable. But i still love her. Like my dad said, nothing can change the fact that she is my mother. But i can't live the fact of the way she treats me and be a mom at the same time. Sometime i have to convince myself that i don't need a mom. She's just a mother. From the beginning. It is not my fault that she decided to marry early. Now after 20 yrs of marriage, she's realising that she didn't live her life and is jealous of my life. Cause i have what she didn't have at this age! And worst of all she takes out the anger of her supposedly boyfriend on me and one day she even justify it. Excuse me! I am not a punching bag. She gave birth to take her anger on me. The more i reflect on her, She's a monster. I will end up exploding if i stay for more days here. I am currently waiting for my visa. There's something better out there. I hope i get to be surrounded in a loving environment. My heart feels heavy to leave my dad but if i stay i'll ask him to choose between me and my mother. I can't bear that woman anymore. She does not have manners to talk to elders. At this point i feel like i need a therapist. I want to heal and i certainly do not want to be like my mother or meet anyone like her. But if i go to a therapist here, everyone will be worried. so once i am abroad i will find one. i'm living through the help of an app that keeps reminding me everything is okay and then there's my best friend who's always there to listen to me. Ah it's suffocating here. Hope i'll be able to breathe once i'm out of here. I prayed to god please get me out of here and finally after one year of trying to get a full funded one I got it. Anyways it was never my fault. She is a 20 yrs old stuck in a 40 yrs old body. And i also realised that we all need to see a therapist. Not only insane people need them. Luckily I have so many loved ones who i know are sincere towards me. Unfortunately i have to leave them behind. i have no intention to settle in my country. i'm not going to be near this woman again.
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