What is wrong with me?

I come from a family that looked picture perfect and my current family looks that way too. But, I grew up with parents who constantly fought, with my mom threatening to kill herself several times. There were money problems, mainly not enough of it, and also the fact that my parents did not have a son. I was the peacemaker of the house. I excelled at everything to make my parents proud of me as I grew up feeling pretty unwanted. I sometimes think, I might be a gifted/exceptional child as I am very quick to grasp anything thrown at me. My college, work and husband were chosen by my family. I didn’t want to have kids, but, being in an arranged marriage, that wasn’t an option. Now, with my older child, I see her as a reflection of myself. I want her to excel, and to be as quick at learning. When she doesn’t, I totally lose my cool. I try to get her to learn, even if it takes hours, and she is clearly exhausted. I am also not patient, and end up saying mean things. Although my husband is a wonderful person, he does not match my intellect and I often get short with him. He doesn’t know how to deal with me and remains distant or silent. For the first 8 yrs of my marriage, I shouldered the bulk of parenting and financial responsibilities. I didn’t pursue better jobs as I needed the stability of my current monotonous job and being there for the kids. I feel unfulfilled and unaccomplished too. I get insanely jealous of other women when they get lauded at work or get cool opportunities. I also feel like a failure when others’ kids win or excel at school. I think a 100 times before buying even clothing or a beverage for myself(it feels like I am wasting money), and feel may be, I don’t love myself. I have attempted to end this all more than once. I feel like I am messing up my kids more than being a support for them, and that they will hate me in life. The last thing I want to do is make life harder for my kids. I feel they will all be better off without me. Signing off with tears.