What are you looking for?
I feel like some background character in a highschool movie
3 days ago · · Depression, · Explicit
Do you know what's worse than someone peaking in high school?
My answer: Someone who peaked in elementary or in middle school.
I was a straight-A student. Multiple awards from multiple competitions. The 'gifted'
It's pretty hard to describe and understand. It might be cringe and cliche to some, but it is truly how I felt. When I was in high school, my life turned upside-down. Many things bombarded me in life that brought my mental health to the depth of the abyss.
My childhood BFF left me for a better friend circle. My closest friends (at that time) all left, eventually. Apparently, it was because I was uninteresting enough. Though, I really knew that people didn't like me that much. You see, the people in my school mostly (if not all) come from great backgrounds. Most of them are born with wealth or their parents had some 'medium-sized' businesses.
I, however, am from a humble family. My mother had a mini-convenience store and my father just worked as a driver for a certain family. I am not ashamed of where I come from, in fact, I am proud of it. I am so proud of my parents for sending me to a very prestigious school when they weren't able to. Because of that, I have to work twice as harder. Being an honor student is an easy task for me, after all... I was one my entire life. I would do anything for that scholarship, for that future after all.
And for some goddamn reason, my classmates take it as some sort of 'ick'.
They would 'befriend' me and then would later on use me for assignments and school projects. They would have some argument with whoever becomes my groupmate and then would later on dump all the tasks on me. I would assign tasks like that but they would wait until the deadline to piss me off. It was so annoying... but I carried on because I thought that it was for that 'grade' and for that 'acceptance'.
Never have I thought that things that happen in movies would happen to me. They would pretend to be close to me but later on, I can see how much they actually don't like me. They would surround me and make backhanded compliments before shunning me in a not-so-subtle manner.
They would purposely let me hear the things they whisper about me:
"Why does she even buy iced coffee every day when she is literally using her savings to buy that?"
"Isn't she too fat to join the badminton team?"
"She's such a wannabe. Hate her."
"What a know-it-all..."
"I have to look away when she plays on the court, her flabby stomach really disgusts the shit out of me."
"I can't bear her unmatched hand-me-down clothes. It literally makes me blind."
"Those shorts literally show her cellulite."
I first ignored all of those things, but I can only take so much...
I slowly lost interest in studying or joining extracurriculars.
Then those people would make rumors about me. Rumors that I can't even understand why they are spreading it. They would even go far as to say that I was the reason for my former friend's s*icide attempt, which is simply untrue. She had family problems that she can’t speak of.
It got so out of hand that I wanted to take my own life. I started picking my lower lashes as a form of self-harm, then I would completely withdraw from socializing (not that I had any friends left) and studying (I became so antisocial). I don't talk unless necessary (I still do).
Then the pandemic came. It was a bittersweet event for me, but mostly bitter.
Because of staying alone at home, I was able to reflect a bit. I was able to slowly stop picking my lashes and started small hobbies on the side. I gained a lot of weight from staying at my room a lot. It lowered my self-confidence but I was able to shrug it off.
My father became mentally unstable after losing his job. He would let out his emotions on me. I became the subject of his ridicule and his complaints. He almost punched me, his daughter, more than twice. If it weren't for my mother to stop him…
My mother wanted to make me understand my father. She said he was in a bad place right now and he was just raised in an environment where parents would just beat their children if they were a little pissed by them.
It's safe to say that until now, our relationship is still not okay.
Father-daughter issues aside, online classes started, and guess what. I was mentally stable enough to get back on the honors list (not as high as I used to though).
Face-to-face classes came.
It was not a good thing…
My father, with the rocky relationship we already had, forced his ideals on me. He wanted me to become someone he couldn’t be, although I already have something else in mind. I was actually enrolled in a different school to pursue a STEM-related course that I have really dreamed of and prepared for. Though it wasn’t as grand as my previous school. He really wanted me to stay in that school which was also a university. That school that was too expensive for us specialized in law and teaching, the courses he wanted me to pursue. I had to refuse him over, and over. But he wouldn’t budge.
Instead, he gaslighted me to question my decision. I was already ENROLLED, but I backed out a week just before classes start. I re-enrolled back to my old school. Everyone who mocked and shunned me is here. The hidden benefit of changing to a new school (new environment) was suddenly lost.
They spread rumors, gossiped behind me, and let me listen to what they had to say about me.
I have to go through all of those things, again.
Except for this time… I am so alone.
No one would look my way without having this mean look on their faces. Their sarcastic laughter, their demeaning smiles, the subtle gestures…
I feel so bad about myself.
All of that progress trying to shake off the toxic mentality on me are slowly deteriorating.
I feel so frustrated.
I feel so overwhelmed.
Loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks when I have to sit by the bleachers while everyone was on the field.
What did I do to deserve this?
Did I do something in the past to deserve this?
I thought everything was gonna be better…
I miss online class…
I miss being happy...
I miss my old self...