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Grief has no place
1 year ago · · Grief,
I recently went through the loss of my Grandfather at 83 years old. He was ill for many years but never lost his mind, he was still completely himself just with COPD and lots of other issues leaving him bed bound for the best part of 10 years.
My Dad would sometimes tell me I should go round and see my Grandparents a bit more often but I would not usually see them on a constant basis although they only lived 3 doors down. One of the reasons for me trying to keep a slight distance was the fact my Grandad had already almost died on a zillion other occasions and instead of my thinking being about the fact I should spend as much time with him as possible before he eventually passed, I thought it best not to make too many good memories with him because I knew it would make it much harder when the time came.
Now the inevitable has happened, I don't regret my decision as I did see him quite often but didn't see him enough to feel that complete void that my Nan and my Dad are now feeling. The night I found out he had died from walking into my parents room and hearing them wailing a cry that can only be heard when there has been a death and my Dad told me, I just said something along the lines of "Oh no." and my Mom put her arms out to me, most likely expecting I was about to wail too but I didn't shed a tear. Later that day when we had to go to the house he died in, walk around his empty bed and sit with my Nan who was sobbing, I kept it together until she mentioned something he used to do for me which was to hand me money here and there for the times I would go around and "fix" his TV which would usually only involve jiggling a scart lead or changing the source from HDMI1 to DTV. Once it was simply flicking a switch. I did shed a few silent tears at that moment. But ever since then, knowing that it is once again my birthday on the way followed by Christmas, I feel the need to shield myself from the entirety of this big black cloud of grief hanging over our family.
I have just sat in silence whilst my Nan has cried and even though I should be completely understanding of her situation and know what a major blow it is to her, it is already feeling like an inconvenience to me. Yet when I went through a break-up, I spent pretty much 2 years crying about it and beating myself up about it until I finally found some level of peace and closure but even now, I'm not completely sure I'm over it and I secretly want to put out the message of my loss on social media in the hope he will try to console me even after all this time of no communication and me unfriending him on Facebook and unfollowing him on everything (yet he still follows me). I am one of those people that never wants to make anyone cry and tries to keep things as lighthearted as possible and my Grandad was also one of those people. I don't fare well with complete misery surrounding me, and don't want any part of it. I have been eating fine and sleeping fine which my Nan has not been doing and my Dad is extremely worried about her. He has been having to sit in that house with her every night to keep her company which I don't have any issues with at all but I myself don't want any part of it and don't want her to end up sitting in our house of a night because she is the kind of person you can't start anything with as she will just eternally expect it then. My birthday is in the first week of December and the funeral is mid December so it feels like a bit of a heavy load. I have never seemed to have good birthdays and usually they have turned out to be the worst day of the whole year so I can only hope I get to my next one after this and it will be better. I hope by then I will have a boyfriend that loves me at least. As much as you can have appreciated a person's existence and mourn their loss, I just don't want to talk about them much any more for a long time after. I don't want to be in their house either or be around their grieving spouse because all I want is to be selfish and almost sneakily do things that make me happy. When my own Dad's Grandad died when he was around my age, the first thing he did was go clubbing with his mates to drown it all out and honestly, that is exactly what I would do if I only had some mates. I'm almost 28, live with my parents in a cluttered house my Dad has ruined by hoarding, have no boyfriend, one friend who is 57 and only ever work in tiny little increments which I love to be honest but it aint gonna get me anywhere is it? I can only hope I find these extended friends soon so I can start living my own life again like when I was at college. I have told myself so many times that I'm not that bothered but when you hit troubled times, it must be lovely to have a safety net to fall into. I'm probably going to come across as selfish and cold to some but I am looking out for the main person in my life and that's me.