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I feel as though I am failing as a parent. I gave up my career to raise my children because that was the best thing to do for our family financially and just plain old workability. Better to have one parent always available. I am not a nagging mom. I don’t get bent out of shape about the house being in disarray or chores not getting done or people not helping out or about grades not being good. I’ve always tried to be helpful and compassionate and understanding. My daughter got herself a boyfriend last November. At first we were just fine with that. Seemed like a nice person. A month and a bit in, daughter’s attitude towards us completely changed. We’re now horrible people who should have never had kids and we’re completely screwed up. Disrespectful behaviour from boyfriend drove me to say, in a fit of honest rage, “That’s it! He’s no longer permitted here.” On one hand I feel horrible and I did apologize and say he could come around again but daughter said he didn’t want to. Fine. On the other hand, I don’t have to deal with his attitude and hers on top. Daughter is graduated high school. Officially an adult. Refuses help. Refuses advice. Doesn’t pick up her room. Barely spends time with us. Doesn’t tell us where she is or when she’ll be here or when she won’t be. Prepares meals for herself and doesn’t clean up. Doesn’t talk to me when she is here. I obviously didn’t give her enough structure? Earlier this year in the spring she told me I was so controlling. I asked her how. The only thing she could come up with was that she had a curfew. At the time she was driving my vehicle to and fro, and I told her if she was driving a vehicle I owned, I felt better if it was parked in the garage by midnight. She could stay out later if she didn’t have my vehicle. She never did relinquish the vehicle to stay out later. Is that controlling? I ask because I really don’t think it is but maybe it is. She has got into my face physically trying to intimidate me and has succeeded because she has 4 inches and 15 pounds on me. She decided not to go on to further her education and thought she’d just hangout with boyfriend for a year. She has informed us time and time again that she’s an adult. So, I said, she could either go to further her education or she had to work full-time. She fought me tooth and nail. Why should I be able to tell her to do that? I told her , I owned this home, and if she continues to live here she needs to live by my rules. In this house, adults work full-time. I told her if she wants to move out on her own and she can afford to do that only working part-time, she could do that. Her father, my husband is here but is so wishy-washy about how to deal with her attitude he waffles and bends to her whims instead having clear boundaries with her. I don’t know how to deal with this. This is my house. My blood sweat tears and sacrifice went into building it. Don’t I deserve a bit of respect at least in my house? I’m financially responsible for her (she doesn’t pay rent here) and will be paying for her education when she decides to go - should she not at least show me a bit of respect because of that? Is this a bad case of entitlement or am I dealing with something more sinister, like a narcissist? Or maybe I’m a narcissist? Am I completely ridiculous thinking I deserve respect in my own home?
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I am not a parent, but rather around your daughters age, and grew up with pretty lax parents, have a good relationship with them, etc. Obviously, I don't know the situation fully, but from what you have written here, I don't feel your rules are unreasonable. To me, it sounds like the issue might be the boyfriend. He might be manipulating her and distancing her from her family. I can't say for sure, but that is just my first instinct. There's not much you can do though, expressing dislike in her boyfriend will likely only distance the two of you more. And make her want to be with him more.
I have no idea what to say about the rules of the house, as they don't seem horribly strict to me. I can say, however, that the last thing I would do is tighten the reigns, as I feel that will also just create more distance between you and her. I'm sorry your having trouble, and I wish I could be of more help. But at least know that you are not crazy, and you are not a bad parent. Best of luck! ❤
ReplyThank you! To hear from someone her age is very good for me. I too feel there is manipulation and alienation happening by the boyfriend. It makes me so sad! Thank you for the response!
ReplyIt sounds like she and I are the same age, and both taking a year out before further education (for different reasons though). It's definitely not your fault. You sound like a good parent and your rules are fair. Teenagers just go through this stage - yes, it may have been brought on by her boyfriend, but it might have happened anyway. It's the part where they're halfway between being a kid and an adult, and so desperate to act like an adult by making their own decisions, taking their own independence and defying parents to show that they can succeed on their own. It's a normal process and it will pass. Just keep being patient and kind. She will come out the other side of this, especially if she loses the boyfriend (but if you try and force them apart, it will only push her further towards him so try and avoid that!)
ReplySingle dad here:
Teenagers in general are difficult to deal with. Her perceptions comes from both parents. So you both have to confront it.
1. She see you as a stay home mom and might think she can do the same. But honestly, this is because you and your husband agreed on this. She doesnt understand that.
2. Make her work and earn something. She doesnt respect you enough or appreciate the family that she does now. With all of social media feeding the idea of being freewill or someone else fault; she will never learn what hard work really involves. I wish you the best and hope she wakes up one day. Respect is earned, not given. She hasnt earned anything.
ReplyYour daughter is being difficult and selfish. Your feelings are truly valid ❤️ and your ultimatum re work or study is extremely reasonable. I'd take the car away if she can't abide by your rules. It's a give and take relationship, she can't just take. Her room, her business but cleaning up after she makes her own food is your business and she's an adult with 2 arms and the ability to cook, she can clean it up. Sounds like you're dealing with this alone as your partner is very lax. You need to tell your partner how you feel. If nothing changes, go get a job yourself and let them have you around less to help. and either way go start something for yourself. You're not just a parent, you're a person with your own feelings, likes and hobbies.
ReplyAnd you were right to call out her bf if he was truly being rude in your house. It's your house. Don't back down on that because it'll just make you easier to push over. And ask your daughter why she'd try and be physically threatening with the woman that birthed her and still gives her a roof over her head.
ReplyThank you! ❤️ I feel this so much. My husband is very, “What’s another dish to wash?” And while, yes, what is another dish or two, I keep saying I’ve already gone through the toddler stage with her, I shouldn’t still be here cleaning up her as an adult. I have been very much thinking of going out and getting a job, honestly, to get away, and I think I will after the holidays. Thank you! ❤️
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