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My ex-boyfriend had never asked me on a date, and he was inconsistent and distant. My ex before him was the same way. But whenever I asked for communication or to even be asked on a date, I was always too much. Now I'm talking to someone new, and I'm so afraid of everything. I want to give him room and space to breathe, but sometimes I just want a little attention. The other night, I asked if we could talk on the phone, and he said he was too tired. And now I feel absolutely horrible. I feel like I'm constantly being rejected by my partners (and I have an immense fear of rejection). I know it's selfish, and I know he could have genuinely been tired, but it still hurts. I still feel like I'm demanding too much. I didn't even want him to take me out to dinner because I was afraid that I was just asking for too much. I just keep losing people, and I feel like a terrible, demanding person.
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I think you deserve better, like honestly. I have this fear of rejection as well, and it feels very shitty when they have so many priorities which is not me. I believe when you find the person that understands your worth, he will make time for you no matter what.. and you are not selfish love, you are just human.
ReplyYour two exes were selfish, and used rejection as a way to make you feel bad about yourself. They made you feel like your needs were the problem.
Now you're so used to experiencing rejection as a form of cruelty, that you interpret even normal forms of it as a reflection of something wrong about you.
Does your current bf generally give you time and attention (not just when you ask for it)? Is he kind and loving? Do his actions express that he values you? Being too tired to start a lengthy phone conversation is a valid boundary, but perhaps you would have felt better about it if he'd offered to reschedule the call instead of just saying No and leaving it at that?
You could explain to him that reestablishing a healthy relationship with rejection is something you're working on (do actually work on it!) and that you might need reassurance at times. When you feel that insecurity arising - why not dispel it by asking for some information that will stop you from second-guessing? "OK, how about we talk tomorrow instead? What time would be better for you?". You're allowed to negotiate for a compromise that will make you both satisfied.
You're navigating a new relationship with someone you don't yet fully trust to be able to accept you, while also having a really distorted sense of what normal, healthy expectations are when it comes to getting your needs met from other people. Resetting your paradigm after an emotionally abusive relationship takes a lot of time and patience, but I hope you'll find a comfortable equilibrium. Your needs are equally important.
ReplyI don't know. Some guys love the chase... and once the thrill of the chase is gone... OR, it could be you're too accommodating. Neither the former nor the latter is negative, but some people need a challenge... so they know they've met their "match". Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
ReplyI believe that sometimes if you focus on others for the simple fact of focusing on others then in return focus comes to you. Treat others so it makes you feel good vs what it will get you. Wish you the best
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