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i was so excited to come home. i really was. it was great at first. but tomorrow my whole family leaves to mexico for 10 days. it was my option whether or not to go but there were a lot of complications with my work and school schedule that made it hard to plan so i ultimately decided not to. at first, i thought it would be fun to have the house all to myself and to have the freedom of doing whatever i wanted. but now...i'm freaking out as i begin to realize how loud my thoughts get when the house is silent and the sky is dark. when i can hear the footsteps of my parents or my siblings walking around it's comforting to know i'm not home alone. but i didn't realize that until now. and now they're leaving early tomorrow. i don't understand why i feel like this. i'm a college student. i'm used to being away from my family since i go to college a flight away from my hometown. but now i think i'm starting to realize that the reason i think i'm happy is because i'm busy. business keeps the looming thought of loneliness away. now i don't have deadlines, i don't have plans, i don't have obligations like work. all i have are my thoughts now. i want to schedule a therapy appointment before i change my mind. so that i have something to look forward to. but since it's so late the offices are closed the mental health hotline is full and my friends are asleep. not that i would call my friends anyway. i'm supposed to be the strong one. i'm the one that is a psychology major. i should know how to handle my issues. maybe i should start taking my own advice and applying it to my life. but it's so much easier to listen to others than it is to myself. the last time i felt like this was when i was in high school. and i thought i had gotten better. i thought the worst part of my life was behind me. it's so defeating to know how easy it is to get back into old habits. to comfort myself, i said i would just get drunk while i'm home alone all day. that just seems to be the start of a toxic habit. but it seems to be the only light at the end of my tunnel right now. i wish i was the person that knew how to handle my emotions and i thought i was. but i can't even begin to describe what i feel right now. am i anxious? am i depressed? am i just crazy? i don't know. i just know i feel bad. and i would do anything to get rid of this feeling. i'm desperate. i didn't think i would ever find myself typing random things into a website to try to get rid of these negative thoughts and feelings. but here i am. my whole day has been a cycle of watching videos online and walking aimlessly around my house watching my whole family pack without me. my dad is worried for me so i try to put on a brave face when i'm around him. i don't want him to worry about me because i know he will cancel his flight. but his family needs him in mexico and i can't be selfish. i wish i was happy with all this freedom i have. but i just feel empty. i don't understand why though? i live alone when i'm away at college. but i guess i'm always busy there so i'm never really lonely. i don't know what to do. i can't sleep. i feel hot and cold at the same time. and i'm picking at my skin because i'm uncomfortable in it. it's not an insecurity thing. i just feel...i don't know what i feel. i want to cut my hair off. pierce something. FEEL something other than this. i want a distraction. i've been going on dating apps just to talk to someone. i don't know. my whole life has been school. what am i going to do when i don't have school anymore? how am i going to live alone in the future? i don't feel like i can do this. i don't even know if this is making me feel better. i don't know.
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Speak with a psychologist. While being occupied is good, it's not healthy to always need to be. also don't pretend to be the strong person with your friends all the time. It'll just make you feel more alone when you don't feel strong. It's normal to not always feel strong 😊. Plan some fun things during your time. Stuff you wouldn't normally do or have the time to do. Meditate too, it can be good at being more comfortable in silence, start with guided meditation.
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