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11 months ago · · Stress,
i was so excited to come home. i really was. it was great at first. but tomorrow my whole family leaves to mexico for 10 days. it was my option whether or not to go but there were a lot of complications with my work and school schedule that made it hard to plan so i ultimately decided not to. at first, i thought it would be fun to have the house all to myself and to have the freedom of doing whatever i wanted. but now...i'm freaking out as i begin to realize how loud my thoughts get when the house is silent and the sky is dark. when i can hear the footsteps of my parents or my siblings walking around it's comforting to know i'm not home alone. but i didn't realize that until now. and now they're leaving early tomorrow. i don't understand why i feel like this. i'm a college student. i'm used to being away from my family since i go to college a flight away from my hometown. but now i think i'm starting to realize that the reason i think i'm happy is because i'm busy. business keeps the looming thought of loneliness away. now i don't have deadlines, i don't have plans, i don't have obligations like work. all i have are my thoughts now. i want to schedule a therapy appointment before i change my mind. so that i have something to look forward to. but since it's so late the offices are closed the mental health hotline is full and my friends are asleep. not that i would call my friends anyway. i'm supposed to be the strong one. i'm the one that is a psychology major. i should know how to handle my issues. maybe i should start taking my own advice and applying it to my life. but it's so much easier to listen to others than it is to myself. the last time i felt like this was when i was in high school. and i thought i had gotten better. i thought the worst part of my life was behind me. it's so defeating to know how easy it is to get back into old habits. to comfort myself, i said i would just get drunk while i'm home alone all day. that just seems to be the start of a toxic habit. but it seems to be the only light at the end of my tunnel right now. i wish i was the person that knew how to handle my emotions and i thought i was. but i can't even begin to describe what i feel right now. am i anxious? am i depressed? am i just crazy? i don't know. i just know i feel bad. and i would do anything to get rid of this feeling. i'm desperate. i didn't think i would ever find myself typing random things into a website to try to get rid of these negative thoughts and feelings. but here i am. my whole day has been a cycle of watching videos online and walking aimlessly around my house watching my whole family pack without me. my dad is worried for me so i try to put on a brave face when i'm around him. i don't want him to worry about me because i know he will cancel his flight. but his family needs him in mexico and i can't be selfish. i wish i was happy with all this freedom i have. but i just feel empty. i don't understand why though? i live alone when i'm away at college. but i guess i'm always busy there so i'm never really lonely. i don't know what to do. i can't sleep. i feel hot and cold at the same time. and i'm picking at my skin because i'm uncomfortable in it. it's not an insecurity thing. i just feel...i don't know what i feel. i want to cut my hair off. pierce something. FEEL something other than this. i want a distraction. i've been going on dating apps just to talk to someone. i don't know. my whole life has been school. what am i going to do when i don't have school anymore? how am i going to live alone in the future? i don't feel like i can do this. i don't even know if this is making me feel better. i don't know.