Why am I feeling this way ?

Whenever I look at you, I feel ashamed of saying terrible things about you. I was in a bad place, tired, frustrated, and unable to find out what was going wrong. When I was young, I used to get sick a lot and every time I did I had unclear thoughts, and sometimes I felt like it was my last time on earth. However, my mom was always around me, touching my head to feel my temperature. It always felt good having her around. It felt like having another soul that was watching sleeping but not quite, so you actually feel their presence while you are dreaming of other things. It made me feel safe even if the dreams were horrible.

Here I am now, away from my mom and home. I am in my small flat, totally in a disaster. I have no energy to move or do anything. All I wanted was for you to reach out and ask if I'm doing well. And maybe come around because you are afraid that I am not doing well. You had no way to know unless I answer your messages on the snapshot. Which I did. You sent a message at the end of the day asking how I am doing. I said no better. Then you answered with an emoji. Why did I feel like it wasn't enough? I had no messages from you all day long, because you had courses. You had to study.

I wanted to ask you to get me medics, knowing that the next day you have an exam and that you finish your courses at 6 pm. I didn't. The fact is, I wanted to see if you were gonna do it. But I was scared you wouldn't. I think you would have, but you would say "look I did all this for you".

The day after that, you didn't ask if I was any better. Again you had an exam in the morning and courses afternoon. After I took medics I got better and went to the last course at 4 pm. You got out of the class, you said with a dry face, you do better and I said yes. Then you answered you should have put on a mask. The honest thing is, I wasn't doing better, I was under the effect of medics so I felt like I was doing better. That is all your concern. Putting on a mask! Again, I knew it came from your mean friend, who didn't have the courage to come and ask me to put on a mask because she is scared to get the illness. If she came and asked me, I would have done so. But she had to go through you and you had to follow her and be that rude.

Later on, we didn't talk anymore and we got out with friends but I had to go early because I felt tired. You didn't ask if I was gonna be fine. And the same thing happened the next day.

Sunday, we thought of visiting my sister. But, I had to cancel since I was sick. It was a weekend. Why didn't you try to drop by my place and make sure I was doing fine? At the end of the weekend, you sent me a message telling me that you feel like I am distant and that you are scared because of an earlier discussion we had. You are right. In your place, I would have felt the same. But why didn't you try to talk to me the whole week? Why were you preventing me?

I feel bad about the fact that I burst into you when you asked me what was wrong. In fact, I was boiling inside. The second thing that hurts me the most, was when I felt so alone and my sister called and we talked frankly. I was not doing fine. So, I said how I am disappointed of you and how I didn't want her to meet you and how I am not sure of staying with you anymore. Why? A lot of reasons. I feel like I am tired. We agreed at the beginning of the relationship we wouldn't get physical and you promised. It didn't go too far but it went where we agreed it wouldn't. It is not your fault entirely. But the times it happened, I would tell you that I am not feeling good and your answers and you trying to consolidate me always triggered me instead. I always felt like it wasn't sincere. Like you are saying that just for the sake of it because you could never be in a relationship with being physical.

I also posted online and went about telling my problems to others and they all said that you sucked. I hate that. In reality, you don't. But, I am lost and I don't know what I am doing.

I feel so bad about the fact that I have to see you every day and laugh normally like nothing is going on. But in fact, I thought of all of this. It breaks my heart, that I thought of all these horrible things. It breaks me to look into your eyes and pretend like it is all okay. It breaks my heart when I feel sometimes like you are scared of my reactions or of what I am gonna do. It is like you are scared of me bursting or fighting with you. I don't know for sure, but why does it have to go this way? What did I do wrong?