My Timed Entry

I feel like shit more often than not. Sometimes I feel like I am a fool, entertaining everyone around me. People call it charisma, sometimes I feel like I always have to perform or people will get offended. If I stay quiet for a little bit, people assume something is wrong or that I am mad at them. I am just tired. I am tired of having to be me. I am tired of the limitations I have to struggle against constantly. I feel like I am living in a box made of glass. Whenever I stretch my arms, I hit the glass walls. From far away, I look free & happy, while in reality I am trapped. I keep banging against the glass walls, creating a crack every now and then, like a curse, it always mends. I don't know how long I can go on like this. I feel the walls caving in constantly, soon the glass will pierce my skin and push me over the edge. I already lost my twenties, now my thirties are not looking great. When will I get a chance to live the way I want? I hate being me so much. I wish I could just die, or better yet, just cease to exist. Wake up one day and I vanish and with me any trace that I have ever existed. Sweet relief. I wonder how wonderful it would feel to just cease to be.