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I am not presently suicidal but I am thinking about killing myself. I just don't see the point right now. I constantly feel like I have no control over my emotions and they always overwhelm me. It seems like any tiny inconvenience or bad feeling magnifies itself and that makes me feel so petty when something so small upsets me so much. I truly hate myself so much. My ugly, evil, gross, bad, insignificant qualities seem to outweigh the good ones. I have extremely low self esteem. Throughout my entire journey with depression and suicidal ideation one thing has always been clear: I'm only here because of family and certain friends. As comforting as that can be, it feels so pathetic because I don't even feel like I'm living for myself.
I'm just not seeing the point right now of living when we're all going to die anyways and there's no point to find small pleasures in life when there will be too much bad whether it be physical, mental, or emotional.
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I know where you are coming from, but there is a point to look for the good. Like you said, we all die one day. But instead of just shutting off and seeing the bad sides of the world, open your mind to all the good things. Life can be beautiful and fun and wonderful. I've found that as soon as you stop thinking about it so much and just let go, the love for life will just come to you. There will be ups and downs but that's just what happens. Stop caring and just live your life. You only live once. Enjoy it while you can, love.
ReplyThank you.
ReplyThese are all valid points, and as far as I know nobody has ever answered them without speculating on afterlife, heaven, hell, gods, devils, etc. Like you said, we're all going to die. That's the only universal truth. So if you're not finding enjoyment or satisfaction, why cling to life? I suppose the only reason would be to live for others, but then we risk falling into the trap you described where our sense of self-worth drops to zero. We become mindless soldiers who are only existing out of duty.
I wish I had an answer, but as you might guess I'm dealing with the same problem. I guess sometimes it feels good to realize you're making someone else happy, I like seeing my dog wag her tail when she sees me. That sort of thing can count for a lot. But the big question keeps coming back, is that enough to offset all the pain? The sad fact is that suicide exists and it's generally rising as human population grows and we become devalued. I hope you find the answer.
ReplyStay positive fellow human. You are loved.
Reply