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Here I am
1 year ago · · Stress, · Explicit
Here I am I guess,
I actually refused to go in here and talk about my problems because it was no use or advantage for me or my feelings at first.
I wrote here the post : My life
I wrote it without being logged in here so I just repeat it, I hope you guy’s have a good day and thank you for deciding to read it :
It’s pretty weird writing down my feelings here since I’m used to never truly talk about them. - Starting off from my childhood. I used to be a pretty bright child and I always loved everyone around me but I didn’t got love in any way at home. My parents weren’t abusing me physically but as the so called middle child, I was left unseen lots of times. My siblings always got more attention then I ever did but hey, I was okay with it.
When I graduated elementary school, my parents weren’t really cheering me up as I got into a higher school (They rather forced me to go there because my sister is there) but after a year of bullying, my grades were too poor to continue my life in this school so I had to go to a simple middle school and since that time, I knew what disappointment I was.
My dad is rarely at home but whatsoever, he only shares his time with my siblings. My dad can talk with them so openly but whenever I try joking around - He suddenly has no time for me but I accepted it with a smile. He once told me in an argument that he loves my sister more (I knew that, she’s his favourite child) and that was really hurtful to hear but I used to brush it off easily, thinking he was just mad and that’s it.
My mom favours my little and big brother the most. She’s really harsh too me even when I was a child she kind of rejected going to the hospital with me whenever I had problems with my ears or throat until I needed to undergo a surgery when I was 7 and even then, they didn’t really came to see how I was doing for the first two days. They said they were busy but my aunt will come and she did but then I got to know that they went to the amusement park on the same day as I had finished my surgery and that broke me even more when I was little.
Overall - They refused to come to my graduation party 2 years ago when I was 15. I was the only kid who had nobody coming to see me standing on the stage. They said, they have better things to do and my siblings, they don’t like me and call me dramatic whenever I try explaining them how left out I feel.
Sometimes they all joke around in the living room and when I try to get involved in the conversation too, suddenly everyone goes silence and excuse themselves into their rooms so I stopped trying to fit in.. fit in into my actually own family.
I’m a very understanding person and people tell me that I have not one but two big hearts because I love socialising with whatever people around me. I love making friends and I try making my familys life a bit less stressful as I take over all the chores of the household, I also pick up my brother from school, even after I get home from work I never complain about me needing to clean the house on my own but I feel like I can’t take it anymore.
I feel like I’m such a disappointment and burden to them. I am very sensitiv but I try my best to put on a smile for them, hoping they accept me but they don’t really.
I just started a new work and my life is going on well but once I get home, I feel like shit. I want to disappear so bad from this world and there are many reasons I didn’t wrote down why I want to leave.
That felt nice to say, thank you all for reading this and I hope you all have a good evening!