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My life, in theory, is basically "okay" however with everything going on and my mental state, I hate every minute of it. I sit here everyday and pretend things are fine. I go to work, I come home, I pay the bills, but inside I'm really just wondering when this will be over. Listening to a podcast this morning I decided to just start getting everything out. Maybe if I release some of this bs it will lessen inside me. Just maybe. So I'm going to just start from the beginning. I had a pretty great childhood. I was shy, but not full of depression and anxiety like my adult life has been. I did have divorced parents and basically grew up with my grandparents, but I don't resent any of it. It was small town America. I had super close friends. I had no big worries. I wasn't sexually abused, I wasn't getting high. I did get bullied for being overweight, but all in all it wasn't so bad I wanted to end my life. I don't even remember being depressed over it. Sure, I'd call up my best friend and gossip or vent, but I really don't remember being super sad about it or having anything super traumatizing happen to me. So thankful my teen years weren't a huge struggle. I didn't have boyfriends, I wasn't being peer pressured into doing drugs or having sex. I was a dork, but that worked for me. Then year 17/18 when everything changed in the world for me. All of a sudden a boy was interested in me. I did all the things, drugs, sex. Moved away from home. Just took off. It wasn't all bad, in fact I had some pretty fun times and waited until a legal age to do them. Life wasn't really shit for me until my late 20's early 30's. Now, my life is such a shit show I just don't even see why I'm still around. I have a husband and kids. Both my parents are still alive. But in my head is the worst battle I've ever experienced. In theory I should be happy. I should be fine. But the words that run around in my head are all against me. I want to stop them. I want to end things. But I don't. and probably won't. But I just wish they would stop. Logically I can see, I'm almost 40. Things are basically great in life. I have a job, I have a house, I have a husband, I have kids. But mentally, I'm nothing. I hate my job, I hate my husband, and most of the time I dream about my kids having such a better life with another family. The saddest part of my existence? I always thought I'd never have kids. Then finally, late in life, I now have 2. My very first thought when I held my child was ugh, this child's life could be so much better with another family. ANY other family. I'm not good enough. I won't do things good enough. Now as my kids are older, all I think about is I'm not doing things correctly. They will hate me. They do hate me. I'm not rich enough to give them a good life. I struggle. But I struggle for them. Every penny I make, I try to give them something fun to do. I know they are the only reason I'm still here. But I also can't stop the feeling that they could have it so much better if I wasn't. am I ruining their lives because I'm still here? I hate myself even more for even saying that. But. It's true.
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I wish I had some advice for you but I hear you. I think a lot of us have similar feelings from time to time.
ReplyAsk yourself why you stay in a job you hate and with a husband you hate. If you keep this up you will stay unhappy and could become depressed. I can't say if you are ruining your kids' lives. I would have to ask them. How about for a start look for another job or start a business from home if you know how. Try to get your husband to go to marriage counselling only if you think that will help and if you think that it is possible to stop hating him. Otherwise talk to him about separating if that is what you want. You can bring the kids into this conversation and ask them what they think is best as well if you think this is a good idea. How do you think your future would be if you move out, and how do you feel about the thought of moving away.
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