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TLDR: Long ago, I figured that it wasn't worth it to fight and die on the hill of my pronouns, long before being introduced to the discourse. I think I'm paying a steep price.
1 year ago · 0 · Gender Identity, +1 · Explicit
166
When I was in high school, I suddenly became deeply uncomfortable with my pronouns, the body I was born into, as well as this feeling that I was abusing women. I'd never sexually assaulted someone, cheated, womanized, etc., but I saw that my attitude was that of an entitled creep. The greatest discomfort was in recognizing that others could perceive my body and deduce what kind of dark things were in my mind, but that doesn't mean all the other ideas and thoughts of escaping from it weren't attached. I had all the hallmarks of what the kids go through today, but it was a time and a culture that was very unconnected from the discourse. Instead, all I had was self-criticism, so I just did the work to learn how to deal with it. I had to come to the conclusion that as much as I took comfort in the knowledge that there are surgeries and treatments that could get me out, I couldn't erase this fact; my selfhood was still that of a perv-creep who subconsciously wanted control over women's "bodies," and that no amount of alliance, work, or advocacy on my part could give me the right to "slum it" as an oppressed "body," especially one with intersecting (that would make me queer where otherwise I'd be unoppressed) problems.
This wasn't some easy thing. It encouraged a life where I felt I was clawing at myself for lack of intimate contact, but I just had to live with it- live with no hope, walk the balance above falling into despair or evil.
Now, before you get that impression, I didn't' concern myself with applying this to anyone else- not that there was anyone else in my small, internet unconnected world to apply it to. It was a personal degree of TERFist self-criticism that amounted to an invisible "soft-detransition," but the consequences have been bad for me. I've never wanted want to apply my TERFist self-criticism towards others, or be in a situation in which I might be encouraged to.
But as an adult I've aligned myself, worked, and operated in communities and cultures where this history I need to keep to myself is a handicap. I can't pursue the emotional or professional distance offered by a safe life as a cis-het ally because that discomfort, lack of confidence, and disconnect never really goes away. Detransitioned people are weaponized to tear the community apart and I feel like when people in my world catch the mere smell of my history, they start seeing me as a bomb.
I don't want to apply my TERFist self-criticism to others. At the same time, I feel the effects of alienation from the people I have pursued these bonds with, and the magnetism that those who want to hurt them offer. I've found some friends willing to turn on me on a dime so they can project the villainous image of horrible rightwing caricatures on me, to turn an obstacle to clout into a stepping stone. Years-worth of confidence-building and professional relationships went down the toilet.
I get called a lady by strangers all the time, but I remind myself that I have to accept that's the price for what I look like, what I like to look like, and that I have to get over the embarrassment. I decided this isn't a hill worth dying on, and I've been paying a pretty steep price from everyone who feels like it is. I'm still a pervert deep down, but lord knows finding a balance and a safety for it has been an unconquerable task that the new generation seems to dive into and find out pretty fast. If I just had that damn confidence and momentum, I feel like it would all be better, but no personal success means being a liability as a friend, being a liability as a friend means no romantic or intimate relationships, and that means no chance to explore, develop, etc.
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