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I have no clue what have I done. Have I sinned very badly in my previous life? I have always tried to be a good person. I have never hurt anyone. It has been 4 years since I have had a break in life. A single parent kid. My dad left us when I was 10. Never have had much contact with him. My mom had issues of her own. I have tried to deal with it as well. She thinks I am very matured and can control my emotions. I don't know what is happening in my life right now. My personal life is a screw up. No good friends, who understand my mental state of being lonely and having a traumatic past. No family members who are close with whom I can share what is happening with me because my mom kept me away from everyone. I have nobody to open up to. My therapist always replies to keep meditating and everything will be alright.
Professionally speaking, I am employed at a good company but with through an agency and being a nonimmigrant worker in the US I am on my H1 visa. I was happy that I have my H1 but even that is a screw up. My employer has screwed my application and I am facing the reprocussions.
Sad, lonely, anxious, eager for love, trauma survivor, C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, OCD, inferiority complex, low self-esteem, low self-confidence. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am trying to keep myself busy but nothing is changing. I am trying to same money, follow a diet, exercise, go t a club and play or swim, try to become better version of myself. I don't know why is my life such a screw up. People have told me to enjoy small things in life but how can I enjoy small things in life when every day there is a new tension, new pressure. I am trying to handle everything on my own with a big burden on my head the I need to handle myself, my emotions and at the same time not to feel bad about the other things. I want to be understood in life but how can I speak out when people think tha I am being unreasonable and don't want to hear what is in my head. Lone wolf, this is what I feel. I don't know how much longer I can handle this and the worst part is I don't know what is going on in my head. Is it work or is it my personal self or is it my childhood trauma or something else. I don't know. I want to end it once in for all.
Thanks for reading
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It sounds like you were neglected, and you were abandoned, and a lot of adults failed you, and that's very sad to hear. It sounds like you had to hold your own hand a lot when it came to dealing with your emotions, but at the same time you were over controlled in other parts of life (socially for example). Maybe you found yourself taking on an emotional supportive/therapist role for your mom as a child. It seems to me that a lot of what you are dealing with does come from your childhood, and that is very painful, and I am sorry you have to deal with that because it's not your fault. I do think it can be helpful to look into things like this because it can reveal a lot of why you behave/feel the way you do, and it does bring clarity. And I just wanted to add, it's definitely understandable that you feel there is something wrong with you, but just in my opinion, the way you respond to pain and mishaps in life are very human, and I think, reasonable. There's a good reason you feel and behave the way you do, sometimes it's just hard to find, especially if it roots from the past.
ReplyI'm sorry to hear about your situation. You've had to bear a heavy weight from childhood up until now. I can understand how isolating it must feel when those around you don't fully understand what you are going through.
Years of problems stacked on top of each other eventually come crashing down. You are certainly depressed and reasonably so.
I know you are trying. I know it feels like the world is against you. Please don't give up hope. Sometimes the best thing to do is work on things one at a time. As you take small steps and see small results you start to build confidence that you can restore order in your life. Perhaps it might be time to see a different therapist.
It may not feel like it but you are strong and you are good enough. I know that one day you will look back on this situation and be able to tell others how you overcame your trials.
And if you need someone to talk to maybe you can come back to this post. I think myself and others wouldn't mind chatting with you. Anything that helps you out. Good luck!
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