So this is what grief feels like

My grandma passed away 5 days ago. When I first heard the news, I didn't know what to feel. We weren't particularly close, and if you ask me, I can't even describe how she was as a grandmother. I did see her from time to time, and there was a brief period when I looked after her while she was in the hospital, but that was it. Our relationship was distant with the barest hint of affection.

A day after she died, I took a leave from work because I couldn't think properly. I did cry then, when reality sunk in that I just lost a family member. It was the first death I ever experienced and I was having a hard time processing it.

The wake was held for 3 days. I only showed up for 2 and even then, I only stayed for a few hours before I went home. During those days, I was tired and still unsure what to feel. I was tired because of work, and whenever I went to the wake, I just found myself staring at her casket, unable to feel anything but lost. I wanted to grieve properly but I felt too tired and empty.

Today was the day we put her body to rest. The morning went off fine, it felt like any other day to me and watching my family, they didn't seem to feel any differently either. Before we went to the cemetery, we had a mass at church and that's the time my chest started burning. While listening to the priest's words, I felt my eyes starting to burn and I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't believe what was happening. Are we really going to bury my grandmother?

After the mass, we did a procession towards the cemetery. I was quiet the entire ride, even though my siblings were still chatting. When we arrived at the cemetery and when they were arranging the burial, I can hear the people around me crying. My father, who was ever so strong, was crying behind me. I felt my own tears fall down. I finally realized that I just lost somebody. I'll never see my grandmother again; never see her thin frame, her subdued voice, even the little shushing noises she makes that used to bother me so much. She's gone and it felt like a hole punctured through my chest. I couldn't stop crying then; couldn't believe what was happening. How can somebody be gone so quickly?

Even now, at 11:45 pm, I couldn't sleep. I've been keeping myself busy all day because I feel like if I had a moment to myself then I will just cry. So this is what grief feels like; so thick it's cloying. God, it hurts to swallow. It hurts to breathe. How do people move on from this? I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down every time. I can't even think.

I'm sorry, grandma. I've never been a good grandchild and I wasn't able to love you properly. I saw how hard it was for you and I didn't care enough. Didn't sympathize enough. I'm so sorry. Sorry it took this long for me to care about you. I am heartbroken to lose you.

I hope you're resting in peace now. And I promise to think about you every now and then.