To the person that built me and gave my hope, I'm sorry for turning your life upside down

This post is to my stepmom and little brother. God I hope one day they will forgive me and come back In to my life. I would drop to my knees from overwhelming joy and relief. To start, a basic summary of my life. Mom got pregnant with me, father was in jail when I was born, mom left with me and moved in with this guy. They got married. He aka dad was my protector from my mom when she got mad but he also molested me for years. I didn't know it was wrong at the time and once I did i ignored it for years until I could reach age 18 and leave them. They got divorced, dad found my stepmom and got married. She was the person to show me that life didn't have to be violent or mean, that I made my own decision and helped me grow as a person who had morals. Several years later had my first baby brother, the highlight of my world. The first pure thing I saw in life. Ruined my plan of leaving at 18 cause by that time he would be 4 or 5 and I couldn't walk out on him. So I pushed the memories of what dad did down. Pretty much to present. I left home, and started my career states away and then the dreams came and for a month, every night without fail I would dream about what he did, during the day I would remember things he said places we were, thoughts I had. Until one day I broke. Talked to someone who helped me figure out what would make me able to live without so much pain. So I went back, sat dad and stepmom down and told them that I remembered what he did. I knew going in that my stepmom would most likely pick him, and I didn't blame her. But God the sight of watching you walk away, I felt like I killed you inside after all you'd done for me but I couldn't help it, I couldn't be quiet anymore, I did what you had taught me and made my decision in the most moral way I could think of. I didn't want my baby brother to grow up without a dad, and I knew dad hadn't touched him like he had me cause there were no signs. God only knows what I would have done had he hurt him. And i. So sorry for the pain I've caused you. You were the first person I truly loved, the first person I saw good in and knew that's who I wanted to be. It kills me everyday to see that image of you walking out hurt and confused following him out of my life. And to know that my baby brother would have to have his only other sibling leave his life. I so wanted to be there for you baby brother. I wanted to share your birthdays, your game wins and losses, your life. I wanted to see you grow I to the amazing person but I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't keep hugging the man that hurt me for years. I couldn't be I the same house as him, the disgust grew and grew and it was too much. I hate myself everyday for choosing my sanity over you. Everyone says I have to do what makes me happy but I always wonder if you will blame you for my choice to leave. If you'll think you did something wrong. But you didn't. You did everything right and I let you down. And my God I hope one day you can forgive me and understand. I hope your mom will one day realize that I had nothing to gain and everything to lose by telling them the truth. The one saving thought I have, and it's not even a good one is that, one day, dad will end up in Hell for what he's done and my hopes is thay I'll be there too, watching him burn for what he's done. It's wrong on so many levels I know, but at least it would be justice. And in wanting that, I've let my stepmom down again because she wanted me to be a better person, but to go to hell that means I didn't meet what she wanted for me and let her down again. There is no winning in this world. I thought I would be able to move on and breathe from the weight of a secret being lifted off my shoulders. But the weight of loss, though less than the secret, is still seems too much to bear. But I will bear it because I have done this to me, my stepmom, and my brother. I have made my bed and I will lie in it, whatever comes. And one day, maybe it will get easier and I will be at peace and end up in heaven, but I can't imagine there is a place for me when I just want to see my dad suffer like I had for so many years. So please, please know that part of my heart will always be with the two of you and that I will not be complete without you. My heart hurts everyday and it makes it hard to focus, work. Breathe, sleep, eat. Everything is so much harder now, but I couldn't live a lie and I felt like telling you was the most honest thing to do so you could see all the facts. I don't deserve you in my life and I would cry at your feet to forgive me if I knew that's what it took to have you and my baby brother back in my life. I feel like I can let no one close because wither they will hurt me or I will hurt them. And it hurts. So much. Everyday. Even in my dreams. I've let you both down and I'm sorry.