I want to be loved....

When I was about 6 or 7 my dad called me a 'fat ass' for the first time. I was young, I didn't know what that meant but till this day, it stuck with me. He told me he was sorry, I believe him because he's was my dad.

If you ask me what a father is, I'll tell you I'm not sure, I'm not sure if you'd call mine, a father. My whole life he's made me feel less than I really am. It's hard to remember the good times when all he brings is bad. Sometimes I wonder why he hasn't told me he hates me yet, why he hasn't kicked me out, I know I would. I see other dads with their daughters and I get sad because I don't have that type of dad. I have one that makes fun of my weight, makes me feel dumb, always makes me feel bad about myself for not being 'perfect'. I know he works a lot and does a lot for me but most of the time I feel, what my dad called me today, worthless. I feel worthless; no-good, useless, irrelevant as most people would say.

Some have it worse than me, I know. I'm not saying I have it worse, I'm saying my dad, the one who 'loved' me said something to me that hurt more than when he called me fat. It hurt me more than he knows. My dad doesn't know what he says does effect me, I've thought about suicide more times than he will ever know. I think about every mean thing he's said to me because it left a mark on me, not physically but mentally. All the times he has said "I love you" or "I'm sorry", I feel like those meant nothing, he was just saying it so I'd believe it, and I did, I believed every word.

I hide my emotions and bottle them up because if I let them show, I'll feel weak. No one knows how I really feel inside, except me. I know what I'm feeling and it isn't 'fine'. I think about a lot of things that no one would expect me to. I've though about running away tonight, I've though about what it would be like to not exist, to die and never hear another mean thing from my dad, to not be 'worthless', not to be this heavy weight on my dads shoulders; to be free from this pain. I want a dad that will love and support me no matter what, I want a dad that I can talk to and not be afraid to eat something. I just want to be loved.