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I was talking to a long time friend who I've been smitten with for over 13 years, and while reminiscing on the old days we went digging in our old hotmail accounts.
What I found there was old MSN messages of us. Not a few, but a lot! It went from messages of my confessing my love, and him not reciprocating to messages where I share some deep truths. Mind you, I was 16 and that time, in love and ready to overshare. He was 18 so still a boy.
I told him about the abuse that was going on in my home.. and how my step dad lied to child protection about me being promiscuous and having anger issues. (All while he was the one physically and mentally abusing my mother and I).
I also shared with him that my mother doesn't feel like my mom, which reading really hurt my heart..
What really struck a cord is the fact that 13 years later I still feel unloved and unsupported by my mother.. and I am struggling with the continuing lack of emotional support and overall love.
I also realized that my long time friend and 'forever love' is a trauma bond. He has given me what my parents gave given me: crumbs of love. And I keep hoping for more, knowing well enough that he will never be able to meet my needs.
Even now that I am in a healthy relationship I keep going to back talking with him. And I couldn't understand why, cause I was able to release a lot of toxic relationships with ease..
but I can't seem to break free from wanting the recognition from him, or my mother. My partner knows about my mother and is the most loving and supportive person. But I feel ashamed telling him about the guy.. hope you guys can give me a kind and helping hand
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