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It never fails, I swear. There are days where I dress up and demand to be 🤌🌟WITNESSED🌟🤌. I'll spend all day finding excuses to run errands hoping to run into someone I know because your girl is looking like a whole smokeshow. Those days are always a waste because I never run into anybody.
I only run into people on the days where I'm looking like an absolute dumpster fire. No eyebrows on, hair in a sloppy messy bun (and never the sexy kind--it's the crooked, frazzled housework kind), bangs not styled so they're sticking up everywhere, leggings, stained terry cloth hootchie shorts on, flattened Old Navy flip flops from 2010... Good lord, I'll run into EVERYBODY. It's so embarrassing!!! I use my social media for cat memes so when people see me, it's in person. And it's such a bummer when they catch me in such a state because that's the ONE day when I'm coming out of hibernation for 15 minutes to grab something from the store real quick with the intention to sneak right back into the house to finish my housework.
Exhibit A: 🤦🏼♀️
I've spent 3 days deep cleaning the house. And I mean DEEEEEP CLEANING. Needless to say, I've looked like a traumatized yeti for the last 48 hours. I haven't washed my hair, haven't worn makeup, haven't washed my face, no deodorant, cobwebs all over me, got my grass stained rainbow Crocs on... You get the idea: a complete crime scene. I noticed the time and realized I needed to get to the grocery store. I live one stop light away from the store so I decided to take a quick trip across the street to pick up a piece of fish before the seafood department closes. Before I approached the counter, I did a quick check to make sure nobody I knew was around (it's a small town). The coast was clear so I grabbed my fish and scrammed. I decided to grab an avocado on the way out and as I turn into the isle THERE HE FUCKING IS: the hot guy I had a brief but extremely fun fling with who I haven't seen since Halloween.
Y'all, I never ran so fast in my life.
I haven't seen this guy in 9 months and would have LOVED to stop and talk. I'm not a self conscious person but any means but when I say I looked like shit, please understand that I REALLY looked like shit. He would have been shocked to see me looking so awful. You know those sketchy people who walk into the Dollar General looking raggedy and homeless? Yeah. That was me today. There was no way in hell I was going to let Hot Dude see me holding a piece of cod and an avocado looking like I just tunneled out of prison. It's a shame because it was his birthday yesterday and I would have liked to have asked him how it went.
That's what I get for leaving the house. Lord. How mortifying. 🥲
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