My Unsent Letter to Him

Hi N

It's been a really long time and funnily I still don't have the guts to directly speak to you. I just want to let you know that rest assured.. karma is biting my ass. I am getting all what i deserved for ignoring your feelings and making you sad.

But it's not that I didn't love you, I really did but the love I had for my parents and the fear of hurting them outweighed my love for you. There were many things happening all at once. My stress levels and emotional imbalance due to the medicines were through the roof. And hence I had to end things as i couldn't cope with the stress of our constant fights. Losing my job was not an option as I was the only earning member of the family. You always knew I was timid and a coward and unfortunately I still am.

You already must know, I am getting married soon. It is an arranged marriage. I had always convinced myself that though I can't marry for love, love will find me even through the arranged setting. Maybe it was wishful thinking to pacify my inner anguish of not being able to freely and truly accept your feelings?

When they introduced me to him, I was determined to not compare him to you. You had set my standards high without us even dating. The guy and I spoke, we met, we felt a connection. Or atleast I think I did? He said the 3 words and me being the desperate lovesick fool i am fell for it. I have started doting on him, thinking about him regularly, trying to make conversation like earlier but to only get shut down. He's always too busy or tired. As hard as i try not to, I just cannot help but compare him to you. We used to speak till early mornings, you were never tired or too busy for me. You knew my medical history and always asked if i was okay? whether i took medicine? You really really cared about me ....and I took all that for granted. Guess I am really getting all what I deserved.

Nowadays he is always busy or tired, but ready to hear all when I talk about my bestfriend. You know her too. She's a charismatic person indeed. But I guess she has charmed him too. I cannot even complain without sounding like a possessive bitch. I had to call him out on one occasion recently, tell him to keep distance and not touch her. For godsake he has known me for only 3 months now and been introduced to my friends since 1m! This has made me insecure to say the least.

I have recently realised what I never could see earlier. Experience is the best teacher is true. There is a vast difference between you loving someone on your own wish and loving someone out of obligation or due to constant company.

When you truly love someone, you make them your priority, you cherish them, you know all their flaws but accept them and make them feel wanted.

Loving someone out of obligation is like a part time job. I am not always on him mind or in his heart. I am someone who he will try to mould to fit in his space. I'll need to hide my flaws and insecurity in order to be accepted. This is what I'll have to accept as a normal occurance in my life.

My spinelessness has brought me this and now I'll have to accept it and move on. I hope you accept my apology and forgive me for all what I have put you through. Hope you don't lose hope in love and get the love you deserve and live a happy, content life. You'll always have a special place in my heart as a confidant cuz above all, you were my best friend. Love you always!

All the best! ❤️