I need to let it out

I have only vague recollections of my life prior to turning 14, likely because I consciously repressed those memories. I endeavoured to expunge that phase of my life from my thoughts. What I can recall are instances of happiness, like riding bicycles all around our hometown and engaging in various enjoyable activities. You know, the kind of activities typical of childhood. While my experiences were somewhat distinct, I still managed to get into trouble frequently, especially during football games at home when we accidentally broke windows or wandered into prohibited areas. For instance, there was this snake-infested pit in a field we'd explore, and the sight of snakes terrified my mother. Cats usually dealt with them, but my brother was bold enough to handle them, picking them up by the tail and playing with them before releasing them back. We accidentally released a few of those snakes by putting leafs in the Pitt.

Sadly, my memories also include conflicts with our neighbors next door, who were regrettably racist. My mother was of African descent, while my father was not. Eventually, we relocated to the UK. This transition occurred rather spontaneously; my mother initiated it, and suddenly, we were in England. My younger sister quickly adapted to school life, whereas it took me a few months to join school. During this interim period, I diligently attempted to learn English since I lacked completely. When I finally entered school, I was placed a year below my actual grade due to my very limited English skills. Otherwise, I would have been in year nine, which marks the commencement of GCSEs, if I recall correctly. I was put in an English learning class, There were only a couple of individuals who shared my language, one being two years junior, and the other my age. I found a stronger connection with the younger one, who was a female. Our escapades often led to trouble. I distinctly remember an ill-fated attempt to sneak alcohol into her house while her parents were away, which resulted in my own parents discovering and intervening. They accompanied me to her house, assigning my brother to supervise us, despite his discomfort due to her brother's racist views. It's important to note that my friend wasn't racist, despite her brother's beliefs.

The reason I am writing this narrative is to release the experiences I've undergone since arriving in England. It has been an arduous journey, marked by attempts to start anew, only to be repeatedly knocked down. During my time in my initial residence, I encountered a guy who lived next door. He was amiable and attractive, but I wasn't particularly interested in relationships. Let’s call him T. However, when I turned 18, T asked me out, and after about six months, he began pressuring me for a sexual relationship. Succumbing to peer pressure, I eventually agreed. Afterward, I left his place, and while on my way to the bus stop, I received a text from him, abruptly ending things between us. This experience left me infuriated and hurt.

Subsequently, I engaged in a relationship with N , who wasn't quite my type. He was a bodybuilder who enjoyed the gym, hanging out with friends, smoking, drinking, and going out – interests that didn't align with mine. When we met, he claimed to be two years older, but I later discovered he was actually 18, not 22 as he initially stated. Despite this revelation, I found myself drawn to him due to his kindness. Ignoring the warning signs, I continued the relationship. Over time, he became possessive, disapproving of my interactions with friends and growing increasingly jealous. Our interactions turned toxic, escalating to verbal, emotional, and even sexual abuse, including him taking explicit content without consent. He forced himself to come to my aunts house when I was cleaning it whilst my aunt was away. My mum showed up with my younger sister after we had sex. It was horrific. My clothes were in the other room. He didn’t want to hide or get dressed. It’s like as if he was proud. I don’t know if my mum ever mentioned anything to my dad, I lied and said nothing happened yet. My family was strictly no sex before marriage. And we never spoke about it again.

Eventually, the relationship reached a breaking point when he brutally physical assaulted me in an alley. Which then led to him sexually assaulting me too. The incident led me to gather my belongings and leave, seeking refuge in my home, where I turned to smoking weed as a coping mechanism. It took a lot of time for him to let me go. He would wait for me after college. At the bus stop. Screaming at me threatening to post all those pictures and the things we messaged each other. He eventually did. I filed a police report once I saw the pictures. I was distorted, my family came to know of the reality of the relationship and I was destroyed.

Shit got worst when the police got involved. I wasn’t able to go to college on my own as he was always there. My mum would drop me or my brother. And then pick me back up. He would still show up under my house, police did a random wellness check on me one night and found him waiting downstairs for someone to open the door to my flat. This went on for 3/4 months. Then it stopped. I didn’t see him anymore. It was also summer and nearly the end of college. I asked to go on my own to college and my parents agreed. going to college was ok, coming back wasn’t. He happened to me at the bus station. I tried walking past unnoticed but he saw me and run after me. He dragged me in a subway. Begged for forgiveness, it was only for a minute, when I asked him to leave me alone, he turned violent. Tried to choke me. I tho I was going to die but then someone walked by. He stopped for a second. The person didn’t stop. I spent 7 hours with him in the alley. He would go from telling me he loved me to strangle me till I had no air in me. I think I passed out for a second as he was again crying and saying sorry when I opened my eyes. I tried to record it, my phone made a noise and he went crazy. I managed to keep my phone with me and recorded the last 40 minute of that whole 7 hours. When I went home my parents were worried and I just ran upstairs. Police was called and he was taken in. He kept pleading not quietly and eventually I was asked to go to court. But the court date never came as it kept getting cancelled and rescheduled. Eventually last one was cancelled the day before and was never rescheduled. I moved to London and never looked back. Until my mum was diagnosed with a life threatening disease and given 6 months to a year. She was gone within 3.5 months. I couldn’t deal. I smoked i cried i got drunk for the first time, I was raped by another student. Then he passed it off as I wanted it. I knew what would happen if I said anything. Nothing. So what was the e point. I did more drugs, went clubbing. Got spiked and raped again. This time from someone I tho was a friend and would protect me. I pushed him off and ran out. This went on for a few months. Not the rapes. The uncontrollable drinking and smoking and the sex. I found out I was pregnant. I was suicidal. I couldn’t do it and had an abortion.

I then left uni and went back home for a year. My little sister needed me. But I wasn’t there. Our relationship became distant and I grew more depressed. Worked a lot of hours until one day I had enough and decided to go back to uni. In that time I met someone new. Started off as friends with benefit but we grew fond of each other. Let’s call him J. I was going thru a lot so I needed a friend. He was there, when my best friend i met when I first arrived into the country passed away on her birthday. I was invited but couldn’t make it for God only knows knows what reasons. I felt so guilty. Me and J. We started fucking. It was all love, then I told him I liked him liked him. He said he did too. He tried to help me, but the guy he knew ended up scamming us both. Or so I tho. He’s behaviours changed. When I would bring up the conversation he would say we were together and that he loved and cared for me. But he would be talking to girls on dating sites and social media, let girls whine on him in the club and such. So I did the worst and argued. Instead of leaving. I forgave him and we tried again. And again and again. Then I started bringing guys to the house. We weren’t fucking but he didn’t know. I found out he got paid for the scam that happened to me. He said he would help pay for the scams. He kind of did but not really. I was broke. I was getting chased by sept collectors.

I knew i needed help but all I was getting is being told to be on drugs and therapy. That wasn’t enough. Things got worst when I came home one day and my so called boyfriend J was sleeping sweetly next to a half naked girl. The girl left we got into an argument. My friend who lived with us got involved and I said some bad stuff to her. Than to him. Shit got ugly and I tried committing suicide. He stopped me. Then Then it happened again. With a different girl. I know I should have left a long time ago I punched a wall and broke my hand because I wanted to punch his face so bad. A lot of things happened and don’t really resemble timeline/frames. We tried to work things out after all that.

Eventually I left to move back in with my dad after tenancy ended and we would meet in London to talk.. Fast forward to covid. I met someone else online. And I think I fucked this one. I knew I don’t do friends with benefit but I tho a fuck body would be different. He’s gonna be A . But I was broken and didn’t know what I was doing. Meantime I was extremely financially vulnerable and emotionally. So we kept it strictly online. Plus with lock down not much you can do.

We met once restriction opened. Went on a couple dates, we both said we didn’t want anything serious. Then I stopped talking to him once we fucked. I tho keep it strictly sexual coz I know I won’t be able to not fall for him. He’s a good looking guy and very sweet and nurturing. So I tried to keep a distance as I knew I should. But I didn’t a few months later I hired him up again. And again and again. Now he was with me pretty much every weekend. I started having feels for him which I think were just my desire to feel loved by someone and not discarded. But it wasn’t like that for him. He agreed to go on a few more date and have more than just sexual relationship. But then my insecurities got the best of me and it got a lil ugly. I started crying telling him that I feel like he doesn’t care for me.

Came my birthday and my friends forced me to do something. It got messy I invited 10 people none showed up,all had excuses. Now we were right along with my best friend of 6 years since start of uni. And a new made cool friend. I was upset and crying. (We lived together) Turned out 2( a couple) were having to work, but later found out they were also having a party. And others had other excuses.

The girls I lived with weren’t getting ready and weren’t really comforting that much. Instead I felt mocked. I tried to express that and was told I feel like this because no one else can make it. I tried to shrug it off and get ready but they weren’t. Reservation was at 4 we all got up at like 10/11am. We didn’t make the reservation. When asked where I wanted to go I said let’s go chill in the part and have some drinks whilst we think on where to go but they made it seem like it was such a bad idea and complained the whole time. Eventually we walking to go somewhere to eat and they leave me out of conversation and laugh behind me or ahead of me. I feel hurt at the point and start crying. They not giving a fuck so I said let’s go grab something my friend left at our other friends house (the couple) and that’s when I find that they having a party. We go to get the AirPods and my 2 friends don’t want to stay in the party. 3 of the 10 people invited are at the party. Including the couple. I grab my AirPod say my goodbyes and me and the 2 friends I came with leave. As we leave they call us 100 times on our phones. I don’t want to answer but my friends make me answer. They tell us to come back. The two girls don’t want to and I said let’s just go back. The new cool friend had an excuse the new shoes gave her a blister under her foot and she knew she would need to take shoes off in that house. Eventually they said you decided. So I said fuck it I’m going back up and drinking like a mother fucker. So I did. But I didn’t notice any blister, and they were sure having a good time when there.

We left and after that night they made me feel like a monster. I apologised a lot, and felt alienated. For my best friend to say she was scared of me, as if I would hit her. Wow I was shocked, because I never once raised my hands on her or even tried to. I moved out of that house less than 2 months later. Took up another overdraft to do so and encountered a lot of fees. We basically had no one when we moved in. But we made it work I felt safe and I found a job nearby.

A year later my cousin joined us to make the finance better for all of us. He wasn’t supposed to but it was a good call. Or so I tho. He took 5 months to get a job. In that time he’s mum sent him money and wasn’t contributing much. Then when he finally got a job did not understand he couldn’t just pay rent. But I was nice because I knew he had other debt to pay and as long he would pay rent that’s one thing out my mind. But he started slacking. He wouldn’t be able to contribute as much because he wasn’t working as much. Then he quit the job. They gave it back to him but he didn’t turn up to disciplinary meeting and got fired. It then took him another 2 months to get a job. He started an agency job but was hardly working. And when he finally got a full time job he was late every day and knew he was going to lose it again. I ended up having to tell him that we not renewing the contract to the house and he should leave by the end of the month. For that rest of the month I would hardly see him go to work. And when he did it was only for a few hours and then the last two weeks not at all. Another month he hasn’t paid rent for.

Meantime things with A were going okay, he was treating me nicely and would spend a lot of time with me, but he started being very busy wouldn’t text as much. I noticed he still had dating apps which made me think he still wasn’t ready to commit. I didn’t approach it and let it eat inside me. I grew insecure and asked him about us. He said he cared deeply and didn’t want to force anyone. I tried to ask again but commitment wise? And he replied the same way and added that he wasn’t actively looking for anyone else to date. He was happy with things the way they were. I was happy but I also noticed the dating apps never left. That spired me coz I asked him about it and he said he would delete them. Then he didn’t. I asked again. Eventually it turned into an argument I asked him did he delete them. And he said no but this time he angrily deleted them. The next day he called us off. Is now 2 months after we started talking a little again. And we fucked. I know stupid. But I do care deeply for him if not love him. He’s treated me nothing but nicely. But my insecurities are telling me to stop as he’s a very openly available guy. There’s a lot of girls he follows and a lot are pretty much drop dead gorgeous and half naked. To which he like lots of pictures of… 😞 I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore. I still struggle controlling my emotions I cry a lot. I’m angry a lot. I ask for help but I don’t get much