i dont know if i want anything from life anymore

so idk how to start. okay lets go back a little. ever since 12th all i wanted was get away from my hometown my family and basically just people i knew there, everyone. i hated that place. not the place but how everyone there made me feel so worthless and unworthy of being considered as a human being. every single day they'd belittle me taunt me dehumanise me, i was frowned upon whenever i voiced out my opinion about anything because apparently i wasn't worthy of saying anything as i have ruined my life (i was barely 16) and had no say in anything important. almost everyday i wanted it to end or myself. but i didn't have the courage to. i dont wanna say i stayed strong and looked up to the future or anything because i didn't. i just existed those years without any will to do anything or having a future. all i knew was either i was killing myself or getting out of there because i couldn't live there anymore. i almost came to hate my family too (i loved them but it just got so toxic). i think it came from how unhappy i felt inside that i started distancing myself from everyone else too. all i wanted was to get away. so after finally moving away i thought I'll be happy but im not. so much has happened. so much has affected me in ways that cant be reversed or healed so easily. im that awkward shy quiet person who cant even have a normal interraction with anyone. and when i tell myself i have to do it and push myself to be friendly and alll it just ends up being another thing that embarrass me or expose me as the awkward unlikable person to others. i am so boring. and i genuinely dont feel like talking to anyone. all i want is to be alone but at the same time loneliness kills me. when i force myself to talk to people it feels so fake so scripted like its not me and its not. when a group of ppl are laughing talking, i cant genuinely enjoy or engage there bc im thinking about ending myself at that moment too. there is no genuine happiness inside. everything is a pretense from me. every smile every conversation. and even if i make some friends somehow its so hard to maintain it. bc i isolate myself from time to time when i want to be alone which is almost all the time and thats not how it works. no one will put up with this and they dont need to either. it is completely justified. i am the problem not them. but i cant form any genuine bonds when i feel so blank inside. i want to go away to another place (im in the intermediate place from where i actually wanna be) but now im pretty sure that wont make me happy either. i want to get away from people and at the same time i hate being alone too. i miss my family so much. sometimes i think maybe this is just not for me and i should go back to live with my family because i love my family. they are the only person i feel a real connection. but i know i will hate living there again. it will get toxic again. i will feel suffocated in that place and want to get out of there again.