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“It's the RSD” You tell yourself.
But is it? Is it really?
You wonder about that.
Your friend would have answered. Once, it would have been frequently. More than weekly at least.
“Busy.” You say. Or perhaps,” not enough spoons.”
You are an exhausting person to deal with after all. Clingy to the friends you do have, because you are bad at making many friends, and you try to hang on to the ones you do have.
Maybe that's part of the problem too. You become boring, repetitive, an obligation, a shackle, holding them down. Back.
Maybe, that reduction in response is them trying to cut you off, to wean you, so that one day their lack of presence in your life will become everyday fare instead of missing like a prominent smell vital to the air you used to breathe.
One summer, there were so many forest fires you could taste it in the air, even in cities far far away. Like that, but more of a natural smell. Like the smell of coming rainstorm, or pine trees, or a large body of water- vital to the environment- is missed when its gone.
And if you ask, you will be reassured, and will reassure, and both leave feeling good.
But those reasurances are not as warm when the RSD kicks you down, and you read back and see how long it has been, and how many of your more recent messages are not answered. The reassurance did not totally remove these fears from under your skin, like a dandelion leaving roots behind it. Alone in the dark, they stir and grow.
Back off! Back off! Stop being so clingy! Give them space. People have lives outside of you, and this is selfish! They don't need to cater to you to be your friend.
Once we would needed intervention to stop talking.
People change. Things change. You thought things between you wouldn't. You think a lot of things, and try to live in denial.
When's the last time they went out of their way to start the conversation with you? When they came with something exciting to share. When they asked about you instead of you them. Where you didn't pop up when you saw they were online, and only occasionally got a reply. Maybe you are like an annoying puppy. Except its hard to be mad at a puppy. So worse. Also, you can't remember the last time.
You are angry and desparing at feeling ignored. Part of you imagines walking away first.
You would never do it. What if they never noticed.
You are lonely. Maybe this is why. You hate it. Or maybe you. Probably both.
Stop. Stop! Lack of self esteem isn't going to help matters. Why would they want to hang around to you being pathetic like that?
But you have looked and acted stupider around them. Maybe this is them looking back and noticing. Maybe they decided they didn't want to be involved in That anymore.
Lifelong friendship like in the media is not a thing. Or maybe it isn't for you. People change, people grow, people grow out of-
And have you grown, really? Maybe that's why they leave you behind, they grow and grow and grow out of you, striding forward to bigger heights while you stay, and perhaps even lose ground as they are gaining.
Stop. This is your RSD.
And do you really do anything together anymore? Sure you chat, but most of its surface. Is any of it the deep stuff, personal on more than a surface level? The stuff that connected you?
“They are busy. People have lives.”
They do. And they used to make time in theirs for things with you. Keywords; used to. Past tense. They Loved you. Past tense. “I love you" is not an easy phrase for you to say to not family, but you had tried to used it with them. Maybe not enough.
What can you do? What can you offer? It takes two to maintain a relationship. You look at all the things you sent them that were never responded to, and you wonder “what if they don't like me anymore?”
“That's the RSD talking.”
Yes. But the RSD is talking to me, and you are not.
That's the problem.
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