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I had a short but good cry mourning my youth last night. A nostalgic song played on Spotify and it brought me back to 8 years ago. I realized that the social culture has changed and I no longer fit in. I had been fighting it for a few years but really understood it after going out last night. Looking around at the crowd, everyone was paired up. Everyone had a date. Everyone had already found their group. I tried to make conversation with a few people but it fell flat. Sitting there with my painted nails and pretty clothing, I realized that nobody looks over anymore like they used to when I walk in. I am no longer the prettiest girl in the room. I no longer catch a man's eye. Two online guys ghosted me so I went out alone and regretted it. I had imagined the day when men would stop looking would be 45+. I wasn't ready for it to be over at 37.
When I met Jake, he was 23. He's 33 now and that was a hard dose of reality. I'm sure his washboard whey powder abs and swimmers physique are long gone. I was lucky enough to have known him in his prime. I only wish I knew him now but it's bittersweet knowing that he's immortalized at 23 in my mind. I'm immortalized in his mind at 28. I look at pictures of myself back then and smile. I was really something, myself. No cellulite, no belly pooch, no grey hairs. I was muscular and toned. Two years prior, I had been a dancer. My tendons were still lean from stretching and my hair had not yet been damaged from years of coloring. I could pass for 20. Nobody flattered me with "wow, you look so young, I never would have guessed!" like they do now. It's all fluff to make older women feel better. And I hate it.
Long gone are the days. A new generation has moved in to take my place and I'm now the outdated old person that will be hushed at the dinner table for saying something too bold.
"That's okay, she's from a different time."
Is this what 40 feels like?
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