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I had many regrets in my life. To the point where I have so-called friends/people that give me toxic traits about me. Whenever I try to do something that is good for myself, it never goes the way I want it. Whenever I post my story about quotes that felt really relatable to me, they find a way to make them think it's their fault that I am like this. They say to me that I need therapy and that I need help because whenever I try to talk to them, they think I argue so much. But in reality, I am still struggling with so many things in my life that I cannot explain. I struggle with finding friends who will be able to be there for me and not judge me for any of my struggles. Sometimes I wonder if the world doesn't let me be friends with anyone. The thing that many people say is "I am trying to help you, but you won't let me." The fact that they have the nerve to say that I won't let them help me really pisses me off. I am trying so hard to let them help me, but they always accuse me of something that they did to me. The levels of idgaf moments are endless. No matter how many times I have said those words to them, they say that it's my fault that I am the way I am. But no, it's not. The way I am is because I have so many issues that I can't explain. I suffer from major depression and anxiety. Growing up with those weren't always the best. Having the struggles from others & parents who think it's something that will just pass through. No, I've seen myself grow up with these struggles that I don't even know for sure how I was able to live through them. I always ask myself, how did I go through this without telling myself that I can't. The times I've heard someone telling me that I need therapy is just honestly, like why. Why do I need therapy for not wanting the help that I need? Just because you have problems of your own, doesn't mean you gotta put them on me. If you have problems of your own, you don't gotta put them on me when in reality, I have enough on my mind as it is. Yes I push others away because of the way I act, but I don't want others to deal with my pain. They will just say "oh, you're just going through things, it's totally normal. You'll get over it soon." Just writing about this, hurts like hell. Hearing so many words from many toxic people has changed my perspective about the things I do in my life. I can't even post anything on my socials without being criticized about the things I post. The people I follow. The things that I am passionate about. They take screenshots of everything that I supposedly do wrong and show me whenever I am acting a certain way. They think they are all high & mighty that they can just push me down every time. I am sick and tired of hearing so many toxic words from them. Having toxic friends is a pain in the ass. Do I really need therapy & help? I've heard those words so much that I think I should. I hate how I am. So many words have pushed me down to not believe in myself anymore. I am slowly giving up on myself and whenever people ask me if I am okay, I am not. But I have to fake a smile everyday and just let everyone assume that I am alright and that everything will be okay soon. I hope that everyone around me can see that I am still struggling with words that I have heard from people who I thought were my friends. Will I be okay?
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