hm

so. Interesting day today. An adult now!! Yayyy!!! I looked back and I've been using this website for like... 5 years. I see all the posts I have on here being confused, unsure, and even though I still am and fear I always will be I've always had the same notion that I was... not a girl for lack of better words. I floated around a lot of labels and although I still dislike them as a whole have found trans man to be the most fitting, much to my dismay. I guess I finally had the courage to spontaneously come out to my friends as somewhat of a 'gift' to myself ( all big life changing events I have to do spontaneously. I can't avoid it no matter how hard I try ) and now I'm terrified.

Despite feeling like this for years, and presenting the way I want to online at the very least, having my circle of people really... know about it is terrifying. My two closest friends are both also trans and a nonbinary person, it's not that I fear their acceptance or reaction, just more so the fact that it's been said out loud. It's official. There's no going back.

I did it in a silly way. Made everyone laugh a bit, put some images on it to try and keep it lighthearted, keep the attention off the topic at hand ( that's literally impossible ) and when it happened I was literally shaking but otherwise I was actually pretty fine. Now that I'm sitting here, realizing the implications of this, what this really means, I'm really scared. I've seen a lot of people around me make this change for themselves, I've always felt nervous, afraid I was "faking" it, but I feel like I'm far past that point now.

I have a very hard time dealing with my identity, the fact that I feel this way at all. The question of "what's your pronouns?" Has literally been my biggest fear ever since it's been a normalized thing, I feel so guilty never wanting to answer. I almost feel ashamed of it, all of this, the way I feel. It's one of those " WHY CANT YOU BE NORMAL !!!!!! " kinds of things, but no matter how hard I've tried to convince myself otherwise over the years I've always come to the same conclusion.

Oh well, I think with time I'll get more comfortable. I don't know if I'll ever have the heart to tell my mom, though. She'd love me, she'd accept me, I have no doubt, but... she's always been weird with gender, stuff like that. I don't want her to view me any differently. It'd hard, we're close, we've got a very strong bond, I'm afraid it'll ruin it if I told her how I felt, not that she'd disown me but that things would never be the same.

Maybe that's what needs to happen? I don't know. My mom is my kryptonite, I would do anything to make her happy, or at least try as hard as I could to. She always said she's wanted one boy and one girl, it almost feels like a betrayal. I dunno. I'll figure it out, I'm sure. ( sorry, dramatic )

Everyone around me always tells me it's really obvious though. My ex told me, my aunt always asks me about it, my friends and I joke about it a lot. Today my friend apologized to me for apparently noticing the signs but not reacting to them accordingly?? 😭😭 I love you girl but WHY are u apologizing for that I literally haven't said anything until now. Just thought that was funny lol

Anyways. I dunno. I was feeling nostalgic, haven't used this app since a year ago. A lot of posts about my ex boyfriend. Fuck that guy <3 I'm so much happier!!! Amen!!! My life has changed so much in the past... like, God, year? Made a lot of necessary choices, ones that still hurt, ones I'm still afraid of. But I have a hard time venting anywhere, to anyone I know, so this has always been a good alternative for me. I hope when I'm down farther in my journey I'll find myself reading this in another 5 years, if I can 🙏 til my next yearly post