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To give context to my depression, I’ve been using my body as an outlet to get out frustrations. Drowning myself in the immediate release that sex provides, with multiple men, it’s hard to be okay on my own. Whenever I’m not bound by obligations of just living, I’m probably fucking around. I have an IUD, so no worries about getting pregnant. But a lot of the kinks I allow during these toxic, abusive, and aggressive nights of fornication are for other’s pleasure. Not my own. However, I know that if I do these things for them, they won’t be disappointed, and I get the satisfaction of being someone’s favorite. I get to control things, even though I know I’m not in control. I feel in control. I feel like these decisions are mine. Because I have no control over many other aspects of my life. Where I live, where I work, what I read, what I do in my free time… all dictated by someone else. Sex is the only thing I have control over, and the only thing I’m certain I can be the best at for someone else.
Advice and support are highly appreciated. What got you guys through something like this?
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Is this a good way to make myself feel better
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IT HURTS
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i caught genital herpes and it made me stop
my other friend, one guy used a hidden camera and sold the video of me on some porn site. he made $50,000 and didn't give her anything, plus all the men called her ugly names after the video got around, i think even her brother saw it, terrible situation, that's why she stopped
and one other friend, she stopped when she read about how jesus save mary magdelene
i guess these 3 examples are unique, i hope this helps you
ReplyThe first two are both awful! Makes me feel grateful that everyone I’m messing around with keeps their shit clean.
The last one was helpful, I went and read it myself.
Thank you for the comment, the different insight is really helpful. 🖤
ReplyNo one's commented, and I think it's cause their scared. To say the wrong thing. Not knowing what to say. Hell, I'M scared I'll say the wrong thing.
I'm not in that kind of situation, but I've been in similar... Similar situations. I don't even really have the best advice, but perhaps someone you care about? Someone outside of that life you live. Someone you share everything with and they you. A sibling, best friend, or parent. That's the only thing that's come close to helping me get out of it. But in reality, it has to be something you don't want anymore. There are things I still struggle to give up and I find it's because- despite the illness it casts, I can't help coming back because I want it. It's an addiction and fear of change if you do decide to give it up. Afraid you'll fall off the stability you built on the dysfunctional and unhealthy situations. You can't even comprehend how you'd be able to navigate a life that isn't like this. You're already use to the consequences of what this life brings, and your scared of the consequences of the new one. I said you a lot, but I really meant me. It's probably different for you. Other than that... I don't really know either...
I'm not sure how helpful this is, but I didn't want to leave you with zero comments when this is what your going through.
Replythank you. this… was scarily accurate. Although I know it’s wrong, I want it. I do crave the escape that comes from
it.
Good news, though, I’m moving! Cutting ties with the old. As soon as I’m out I’m quitting, cold turkey. New life, new decisions. Out of the hold of the person controlling me and into the embrace of change. It’s scary, and I’m not sure if I’m ready, but I do know that I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life.
Thank you again for the comment, I appreciate you taking the time to type it out.
ReplyI wish the best of you. Remember dear, that change is scary, and in the process you might face a lot of setbacks, I am telling you this not to discourage you, but I believe in you! You've been through a lot, and I know that just as much as it is hard to decide on changing yourself to improve for your betterment, you can do it. Also, I am not sure but, I believe that there are genuine people who do care for you. Maybe they just don't show it enough for you to notice it. If you still feel like no one does, I just want to tell you to try to be your own best friend. I am saying this because I too have struggled with self-love, and dear, it really takes a long time for you to be able to do good on your own and even just try and live on your life not feeling lonely most of the time, but I assure you that self-love can also help you just be fine on your own and try to get by in life because you know how much you love yourself and would do anything to achieve happiness. Wishing you the best OP and hugs for you too, I hope you get through this! ^^
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