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I wish I was normal, I say that at least once a day.
I don’t feel normal.
I can’t explain it but I just ain’t.
I feel as though i’m too much for this world.
I get into my head a lot and I can never get out.
I wish I could.
I’ve stopped smoking weed, I haven’t smoked in over two weeks today.
I am proud of myself but it hasn’t really been a challenge.
I’ve smoked weed all my life,
And i say it’s hard not smoking,
I don’t have a distraction anymore
That’s all it ever was really it didn’t help me at all,
Not smoking doesn’t seem to be any different but I guess it’s healthier for my body.
I keep having really weird dreams and that’s apart of the “withdrawels” not that I feel I’ve had any.
But the dreams are getting weirder.
Ones I don’t even want to speak into existence because they’re horrible.
I just feel like I never get a break from it all.
Once i’m awake it’s like I spend my whole day running away from my thoughts and my head and then when it’s time to sleep I get In my head or have these horrible dreams and it never seems to stop.
It’s hard I don’t have any friends or anything like that, never had any friends.
Lost most of my family, the other half have their own lives.
I feel as though I don’t live for myself
I live for them.
Whenever I see my sisters with their kids I always feel like I’ll never get the chance to be a mother, or have children of my own.
Or even just a normal family.
I’m not stable enough for that. I don’t think I ever will be.
I’ve been reaching out for help but I’m the kind of person that reaches but never holds, if that makes any sense.
I don’t follow through with it.
Or one slight thing goes wrong I give up with it all.
I just don’t feel normal.
I don’t think I am.
Living on my own has been really hard. I wish I still live with my mum but things got really hard there for me and I would have only of got worse.
I wish my nan was still here :(
It’s all too much for me.
It’s a lonely life.
I don’t want to intrude on everyone else’s life I feel like I’m a burden well I know I am.
I wish my girlfriend could come and live with me, she can I just don’t think it’s the right thing to do.
I get angry a lot and think about things in the past and often need time alone.
I’m quite a horrible person and I tell her to leave basically everytime she comes.
My head doesn’t shut up.
I feel as though if I cannot get past these things that have happened in our relationship I should really end it and just move on with myself but part of me doesn’t want to.
That’s unfair though.
She doesn’t want me to leave and I don’t want to leave but if I cannot get past the situations how do we carry on? How do we ever move forward .
I want to be in a position where we can start our own family and live like normal people but we are no where near that stage.
We can’t even have a good day let alone weekend or week.
It’s hard but I love her.
Part of me does.
Part of me hates her too.
I can’t help that.
I try to but I can’t it’s all too much for me.
But it’s more about me.
I need help and I need it fast because I am losing every single part of me.
I will lose her one day too.
Life’s unfair but what life isn’t.
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ReplyThe other day a woman on TV said that young people are now doing all of this inward thinking and think too much about their feelings. So, how about getting away from yourself by thinking of helping others by working in a charity shop or doing charity work. Try thinking of things that are away from you for a change. After all, the world doesn't revolve around you.
ReplyThank you for your words of advice my friend. I dearly appreciate the time you took off of your daily duties to tend to reading my thoughts. I am grateful for you!
ReplyYou are a deep, introspective, and sensitive soul my dear. That is not a problem, it’s a gift. Philosophers and deep thinkers are few. The not easily distracted and caught up by this world are few. You can see past the facade.
You see the conditional aspects of our nature. You see we have preferences, wants, it is like we have to constantly fulfill everyone’s desires, like a genie, for us to feel like we are not a burden.
You are doing well. You can love, have your own space, explain your situation to your loved one.
I see you as someone with a grand and gifted mind. A mind that sees all without the rose colored glasses we are often asked to put on only to digest the world we live in and carry on.
Thank you for being alive with us! Thank you for not leaving us alone in this world. Thank you for being a spokesman of depth, introspection, and clarity.
You are valued, we need you, we so appreciate you, and are honored to have you onboard and share this experience with us called life. Together. Thank you.
ReplyI feel the words you speak, within every part of my soul and i am very grateful for your words.
It is hard to be who we are, but we are honestly the best kind of people.
Every word you said is very true.
We often know each other just by the words and our way of speaking, although i don’t know you at all. I do in some aspect.
Our minds are alike and our views often are the same.
I appreciate you and am sending you love from me to you.
Thank you for your words and most of all thank you FOR SEEING ME.
I wish you happiness and health.
Keep going and stay strong,
Be kind to yourself and forever stay true to who you are!
I appreciate you, for you.
Again thank you.
Reply