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i am weighed down by the food.
truly, my body has seemed to have stretched into a new shape. i no longer recognize the mechanics, the features. any place i exist, i am too big for. i shouldn’t stand so close to people. i worry i might be taking up their space. is this chair too small, or am i too big? is this all in my head? no.. my grandma also thinks i am too big. “oh.. you’re getting another helping??” “oh is this back fat?” “you don’t need to eat everything just because it’s there.” “i can only handle one helping. i don’t know how y’all can eat so much.”
each day i get closer to achieving beauty. i just need to hide my skin until i feel pretty. it’s easy. nobody will ever know that i’m too big to be around them. this body is truly disgusting. my feet are too big, my body is too hairy, my stomach is too big, are those stretch marks? my thighs are too big, my boobs are too big. why do they keep growing??
my grandma has to measure them to get me new bras. i don’t really know why she has to touch them and hold them to get a measurement and i’m not sure why she couldn’t have just let me measure them myself. but she said “i’m your grandma, stop being weird about it.” maybe i should just listen to her. she scares me too much to talk back.
today i have found a solution for my weight problem - exercise. it was my fault that i couldn’t lose weight. now i can finally look hot for the boys in the cafeteria . i told my crush i liked him and he didn’t feel the same way. i guess i deserve that for not being interesting enough and too shy and too annoying and too stupid and too fat and too ugly.
wow. you’re really complaining about a guy not liking you? literally not one person cares. papa won’t let you date anyways. you just run away from relationships anyways because of how twisted and broken you are. you have way too much pity for yourself.
exercise is actually not possible because i’m not organized enough to keep a routine.
i’m so stupid. a boy asked me to see a movie as a date. i told him no because if a guy asked me out then that means his standards are low and what would people think if i dated someone who wasn’t popular or hot? it doesn’t matter if his curly hair makes my tummy flip, he isn’t cool.
oh my god shut the fuck up. you are so annoying when you complain about your life. you don’t even have anything to worry about, you have food in your stomach and clothes on your body. stop being so selfish. you’re so stupid for thinking you matter that much. you just sit there and think about yourself all day, and then food, and then masturbating. you’re disgusting.
i solved my weight problem once again! i tried out fasting to try to cut back my eating problem, but that was hard because i am absolutely addicted to food. so instead, i eat whatever i want and as much as i want as long as i can get rid of the evidence. it’s like my body never indulged. it was never tarnished.
at first, i used a toothbrush because i didn’t know how to reach my gag reflex. i couldn’t even do it the first time because i’m scared of everything. the next time i ate too much food, i went to the bathroom and turned on the sink. i saw a trick to wet your fingers and try. this time i threw up. it was the worst feeling ever. my body was purging all of the shame and guilt of eating. this was making me thinner, but i was finding it hard to recognize myself in the mirror. when i purge, i feel like i have control over the size of my body. i am the only reason i am ugly now. if i’m not thin, i have only myself to blame.
my brain is spiraling every day. i’ve started to forget pieces of my childhood. my thoughts and dreams are disturbing and delusional. i think i want to die? but i don’t have a plan or a note.
i can’t focus on my schoolwork because i really need to throw up my lunch. it’s too much for me to handle. every other thought is about my next meal. i just finished breakfast. what time is lunch again? i am planning my days around each meal. my euphoria comes from the thought of food. there’s this quick rush of glee when i perfectly set up my food to eat. i consume every bite and i think i may have eaten too much.
the bathroom is a nice place. i save my dinner for the shower. it’s mostly liquid anyways.
this isn’t bad because i’m not throwing up that much and i only do it sometimes.
i was wrong.
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This is a very stupid, unhealthy, and dangerous way to lose weight so stop it. If a boy asked you out you should have gone out with him. No one has to know. Keep what you want to be private to yourself.
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