How to cope with the what ifs?

As I write this I am currently in my messy room, bed rotting as my guts and stomach hurt from seeing their pictures..

Pictures of my ex-buddies and now ma'am's/sir in training and In their brand new uniform.Its even worse now that it's our University intrams and they are literally everywhere from the parades to the medic tents keeping an eye on everyone.

It hurts because that could have been me too..I could have been someone that made a difference, someone with purpose and someone who proved themselves.. someone who could had a lifelong bond and friendship.

I think about next year and how my ex-buddies will be teaching the new batch of MP/Medic aspirants. Will they be kinder or stricter then our officers? Will they be good at teaching?I honestly wanted to teach but thats not possible anymore..

I'm so proud of them but I can't help but feel empty as I see all this..because their lives and mine are so different I might be exaggerating but that's how it feels.

I missed that feeling of training early in the morning and late at night.I missed learning new skills that helped me especially recently since a lot of people around me have been getting injured I even performed CPR on someone something I wouldn't be able to do if I haven't have learned it

.

I missed having a "secret" community group were only we knew what was happening (secrecy code).

It used to be my world..

I just miss it so much.

"I wanna be a MP/medic"