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I have never been the best at expressing my feelings and I feel that when I do I am unable to fully express to others what I am truly feeling. I have now found this platform and it feels very good to write out what I feel. I feel free to write down my thoughts and why I feel upset or even happy. Lately, I've been feeling very guilty that I have so many more opportunities than my special needs brother. I have a brother with autism who is honestly my favorite person in the entire world. As he is getting older we have become closer as we have more similarities now. He is also non-verbal and uses a communication device on his phone to communicate with us. Lately, I have been feeling super guilty about being typical and not being on the spectrum like him. I feel guilty because I see that he can't talk, he struggles with things that I never thought twice about as I was doing the action and I realize that he will never have a life like mine. I want the absolute best for him and I feel terrible because I have that privilege that he does not. Every time I try to talk to my parents about it they don't understand where I am fully coming from as they dont see it from my perspective which is not their faults and honestly it's a fault of mine as I just can't fully explain it. I wish that he could live a "normal" teenage life and have a partner or go out with his friends. I have all of that and while he also has friends it's different. I feel like I'm a terrible sister and that I can't protect him. I feel so sad that he won't experience a life like me. He is a very happy kid and he loves who he is which is amazing and I've always made sure he knows that he is the best person in the world. I still sometimes wonder if he is a bit upset and is not happy because he is different from those around him. Another event that made me feel like such a horrible sister was when we bought him the walkie-talkies that he had been wanting. I was so excited when he requested them because he was showing interest in an item for tweens or teens. This was a big step as he usually watches younger child shows and used to like toys for younger kids. When the walkie-talkies arrived I was so excited to show him how to use them and I went and talked into the walkie-talkie with my mouth to show him how to do it. I think about how stupid that was because he can't talk so when I told him to use his communication device, he pressed what he wanted to say and then later made some "B" and "P" sounds into the Walkie talkie trying to speak like how I showed him. It absolutely shattered me and when I eventually went to my room to get ready for bed I sobbed about it. I feel so depressed when he is unable to talk because without words it is very difficult to communicate with others. I feel I take so many things for granted. I just want him to be able to say "Hey sis" with his real voice, not his electronic one. I still love talking to him using his communication device because it's the best way for us to communicate as of right now but I would love to just hear his voice and know the way he sounds. At this point ill take a "FUCK YOU" because I want him to talk. My little brother is such an amazing person and without him, I would not be who I am today. It will forever be me and him against the world, I can't live without him by my side. I hope he can see the world and lives life to the fullest always
Thank you For Reading <3
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