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I read on TikTok yesterday that there are a plethora of people who grew are struggling with their own lives because they are trapped in a hoarders home. These people feel the exact same way as I do which makes me realise the psychological effects this has been having on me for many years is totally valid.
I myself am not living in complete squalor to the degree that I can't move at all. Some rooms are quite functional and my own room is not that bad at all so I feel I can escape from it to a degree. I am by no means in a home that is as bad as some of the terrible places I've seen on TV but there are plenty of rooms that would be lovely if they weren't top to bottom in useless crap mainly my Dad but also my Mom have accumulated. My bedroom is not my own much of the time because my Mom uses it to work from home in and then I have nowhere private to go at all. I feel stifled and like hope is running away from me but worst of all I feel ashamed. Always, I have told myself that I don't need friends because I am happy in my own company. That is quite true, I am an only child and love entertaining myself but if I had a pristine home, I would almost want to make friends so I could have them round for tea like when I was young. It is such a sad waste of a nice house and there is constant guilt tripping between all of us about not being allowed to just do what you want with the day but to do all of these pointless chores to "make an impression" but they're no use. The minute a surface gets cleared, they will just fill it back up again.
This shameful feeling makes me feel that I'm not worthy of anything nice, that I'm always going to be looked down on and that I have to make out I'm something I'm not just to be respected. I know with all my heart that if I could just get a well paid job and eventually actually properly afford my own little place, even if it was just an apartment, I would feel so relieved. Somewhere my parents could never touch with any of their rubbish and I could just really enjoy.
One day.
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