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in the past month, ive gained all the weight i worked 4years to lose and more because i am addicted to sugar and eat more in a day than i used to eat in 3. i hate my body so much none of my clothes even fit me anymore i have to wear only baggy clothes or i will cry. i can constantly feel my stomach when im doing anything because it is so big im not aware of anything else it makes me so sick. i always feel full even when i am hungry, theres a constant pit in my stomach like my own body is mocking me for it. i have a boyfriend who i hate but i cant break up with because im afraid hes going to do something bad with my private pictures that i sent him back when he first asked me and i was too afraid to say no. on top of that im an awful person and a cheater and i fell for another boy i met, fully intending to get to know him while still being in a relationship. he still doesnt know im not single and i feel horrible becasue he never did anything wrong. it doesnt matter though because he, the one boy i really did have feelings for, has probably forgotten about me because i pushed him away and stopped responding to him because i dont have the energy to anymore. since spring break ended my grades are the lowest theyve ever been because i never do my work, every moment i am at school i am constantly spacing out and unable to focus on anything. i never study. i claim to my parents that i am going out to do homework but in reality i just go and sit and do nothing for hours, even when i have pages worth of work due the next day. i cant get myself to do any of it no matter how much i know i need to. this entire weekend i didnt do a single thing productive, even though i have multiple tests and assignments i have to get done or get ready for. i never want to spend time with my family and i havent seen my friends in months. my hygiene is so bad, i have severe dandruff that makes me embarrassed to be around other people, ive never had it before but it came up within the past month. and in the last few weeks i started having random rashes all over my body that look like acne- on my chin, stomach, neck, under my arms, etc. i am a very ugly person and ive known it for a long time, but ive started to feel even worse about myself recently and everytime i look in the mirror i am upset that im still me. i have a double chin, a wide face, horrible acne scars and scabs all over my face from dermatillomania, im breaking out on my forehead and chin, my nose is pointy, my lips are thin, ive got huge awful bug eyes. my hair is awful and frizzy, too short to be pretty and too long to be cute. ive missed so much school this year from sickness that im going to have to go to summer school. my room is so messy but i cant get myself to get up and clean it, i have piles of laundry just sitting around my room and random things all over the floor. the only thing keeping me going is the thought that one day i will wake up and not be myself anymore, i know thats not something that could happen but i genuinely dont think i could live if i stopped convincing myself of this possibility. i have no clue what to do with myself or what i did wrong, as just a few weeks ago my life was the best its ever been (the week of spring break). is this some kind of karma, what can i do to get back to happy like i used to be?
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Hey I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I also have an eating disorder and image issues (translation: ugly af) so I totally understand how it's a domino effect. When you feel ugly, you feel like the world hates you. When you feel like the world hates you, you have no motivation to do anything. Depression sets in, and that leads to uncontrollable eating (junk food) since that's the only "pleasure" you get in life.
It's a really complicated problem with no easy fix. People will tell you to be positive, workout, etc, but that's like telling a drowning person "swim!" it doesn't always help.
For that reason I won't throw any suggestions at you because there's not miracle cure. I just wanted you to know that your problem is real, others like myself struggle with this, and maybe there's some comfort knowing that someone out there understands you.
Ok I said I wouldn't throw out any silly suggestions, but this one actually does help me sometimes. I like to take pictures of myself and use filters or photoshop to imagine how I "could" look. I NEVER share these with anyone, but it's just sort of a motivator yk? Like in theory that could actually be me, and sometimes that gives me a boost to clean up my diet and maybe exercise a bit. It's a long journey, so even little steps help.
I'm sure you can be gorgeous. EVERYBODY can. I like watching before/after makeup tutorials on yt because they show you how people can improve their appearance drastically. It gives hope to ugly ppl like me. Good luck <3
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